Yes, your worrying is normal

Before I had my son, my wonderful Mom once told me that parents never stop worrying about their children. I absolutely believed her. What I didn't realize was that the worrying happened on a daily basis.

When my son was a baby I worried that I didn't always know the "right" thing to do for him, or what his exact cry meant. Now that he is older I worry about him fitting in at school or if his behaviors are normal or if he is happy. As he continues to grow, I am sure I'll find new things to worry about.

And while my moments of worry are mostly short-lived - fleeting moments as I go through my day or the occasional hour or two up at night - it is nice to know that I am not alone. All parents worry. And it turns out that we worry about the same things.

Maybe we parents need to share our worries more often. It's hard to be the first parent in your circle to share your concerns (and it is not nearly as much fun as sharing the latest great accomplishment), but maybe, just maybe, it would help alleviate some of our collective worries.

And then we could all sleep a little better at night.

What do you wish you wouldn't worry about so much? Tell me in the comments.

Looking out for our Moms

Some days I worry about my Mom. Not for any particular reason - she is in good health, she lives nearby, she is brilliant. But a general worry sometimes enters my active thoughts: I am sitting at my desk at work and start to wonder if my Mom is OK.

I think this is a variation of Mom-dar - the ability to recognize that I haven't talked with my Mom in awhile, and I need to call or text her. And maybe we will exchange a few text messages and I will feel better.

I know that as a parent the worry you feel about your child will never go away, but I didn't realize how much I would think about my parents after I left their house.

We leave the nest when we are young and still a little stupid about the way the world works and we find others like us and say things like "my friends are my family." And sure, that may feel true, but your parents are still your parents. And science has proved that with this study showing that we tend to put the needs of our parents before our friends.

I like people's conflicted emotions coming out of that study. That they were claiming that they felt closer to their friends at the beginning of the study, but that they felt their parents did so much for them that they had to work harder for them.

Maybe that is something we all need to be reminded of: Our parents work really hard for us because they love us. And they are our family.

Do you feel closer to your parents or your friends? Tell me in the comments.

The bad dream that woke me up

I am an adult, and I still get nightmares.

I'm not sure why my brain decides to chase me around at night with things that are trying to catch me and kill me, or drop me down elevator shafts or see what my last thoughts are when falling out of a flying train...I really wish it would just let me rest, organize the information that I learned during the day and do whatever else it is that scientists think our brains are doing while we sleep.

Granted, they are not often, but there are still some nights when I wake up wondering why my brain is out to get me.

My son, thankfully, doesn't have many bad dreams. At least, he doesn't have the type of bad dreams that require parental intervention. I can recall vividly the number of times when I have woken up to his gentle touch on my arm, telling me that he had a bad dream. We go back to his room, snuggle for a bit and he never wants to talk about them. Not ever.

I'm OK not pushing him to talk about them, as long as he realizes that everyone has bad dreams sometimes. I think the problem is when they become more frequent and we have to sit down and re-evaluate some things. For example, since we are reading the third Harry Potter book together at bedtime right now, I am on high alert for anything that shows me he isn't ready to continue the story (whether he is conscious about it or not). So far, so good.

Nightmares are hard to explain to children. In fairness, they are hard to explain to adults. I am just thankful that my son is easy to convince to go back to sleep so we can all face a happier day in the morning.

How do you help your child after they have a bad nightmare? Tell me in the comments.

When I shouldn't shield my son

I often remind my son that I am trying to teach him to be a person in the world. This is why he has chores, is responsible for making family dinners some nights, has to contribute to discussions on vacation planning and has to figure out how to entertain himself when he is "bored." But there is one area in which I still protect my son: Tragedy in the news.

I know why I do this. Part of the reason is that I want to keep him safe from the terrors of the world as long as possible, and there is also the part where I don't like dealing with my own emotions around the negative news. But, as this link reminds me: I need to teach him how to process the world's events - both the good and the bad. If I don't, he is probably getting the information elsewhere and subconsciously getting the message that I don't think he is capable of talking about life events.

The first tragic news story I remember learning about was the Challenger explosion. It was a story that so many school children were interested in (since there was going to be a teacher on the shuttle) and the devastating outcome was talked about in our homes and schools for a long time.

I am sure that was not a conversation my parents wanted to tackle, but they must have done a good job with it, because I don't recall any negative thoughts on my end.

I should keep in my that my son can handle the conversation about the events in our world, as long as I give him the opportunity to do so.

What was the first negative news story your child was exposed to? Tell me in the comments.

The fears we have at birth

I have often hoped that I would not pass along my fear of snakes to my son. And for several years, I think I did a pretty good job. He eventually learned that I was afraid of snakes, but he still doesn't seem to be afraid of them. So, yay me.

Pictured: Not a snake or a spider.

But I don't really know where I got my fear of snakes from. I remember almost stepping on one in my friend Nicole's backyard once. And there were a few at Girl Scout camp that we avoided. But it isn't like any of them ever came after me.

But new research indicates that we may have been born with this fear. Fear is probably the wrong word to use, though: It turns out that the eyes of babies dilate (indicating an intense focus) when shown pictures of snakes and spiders (as opposed to flowers and bunnies.) Obviously some of us lose any feelings of anxiety along the way and people get snakes and spiders as pets, but the rest of us go through our lives looking down intently when walking through the woods.

And science hasn't really figured out why.

So, for now, I will do my best to not show my intense fear around my son. I will continue to go to zoos and other exhibits with him and comment on the snakes kept safely in their tanks and prevent myself from running screaming from the room.

What are you afraid of? Tell me in the comments.

That daily twinge of parental guilt

I've finished tucking my son into bed, told him that I've loved him and am about to turn off the light when he tells me that I am the best mom ever. It's a sweet statement that gives him extra kisses and cuddles and reassurances from me that I just try to be the best mom for him that I can be, and I am glad that I did a good job that day.

Then, I leave the room and immediately start thinking through all my interactions (or lack of interactions) with my son that day. And by the time I am downstairs again, I have convinced myself that I need to be a better mom tomorrow.

Parental guilt. It's an awful thing. And it's universal: At least one study suggests that parents feel more than 20 guilty moments a day. (That number might be low.) For example, my range of guilty thoughts at this very moment include the following:

• It was a beautiful day and I didn't take my son to the park
• I dragged him on an errand with me that I could have done earlier in the week on my own
• I missed watching his swim class today because I had too much scheduled for us
• I am already late getting dinner started, so we are going to eat later than I'd like
• Eating later means that we might not have enough time to play a board game before bed

And I could probably go on if I let myself.

But that's the thing: I try really hard not to let myself. Because it is far too easy to start mom-ologuing my faults to myself. And that helps no one.

Instead, I think I will do as my son does and accept myself with my flaws and just try to be the best Mom I can be every day.

What parental guilty thought is dragging you down? Unburden yourself in the comments. 

The fears that keep us up at night

We are still in the throws of back to school time here. As my son gets used to his new routine and slowly starts to face the return of his biggest fear (homework), I am starting to switch into my new routines as well: I can finally let go of my summertime fears that he will be bit by a snake or slip while running around the pool and replace them with the fears that he will get picked on at school or injure himself on the playground equipment.

Yes, I know that my fears are mostly unfounded, but I do find myself thinking of these things, especially at night. It turns out, I am not alone: Many parents harbor back-to-school fears, and bullying is at the top of that list.

I was trying to think back to what my back-to-school fears were when I was little, but I am not sure they are applicable to my son today: I was scared of the nuns. And getting bad grades. (But mostly the nuns.)

I think that as long as I am a parent, there will always be some sort of fear that I have for my son. It is important, however, that I not pass those fears onto him. There is no reason why he should be up at night thinking of mean nuns wielding snakes chasing him around unsafe playground equipment. Or...whatever.

But this is a good reminder for me to have a talk with my son to determine what is on his mind now that the school year has started. Who knows - he may have his own fears for me to discuss with him or he may not have any worries at all.

What is the biggest back-to-school fear your family is tackling? Share it in the comments.

The benefits of safe instability

On our recent vacation, I let my son go. I let him climb a Mayan temple that was taller than I was comfortable with, I let him swim on his own above the reef, I let him explore the world away from me.

The protective Mommy genes in me hated all these things, but I knew they were necessary. I know that my son is growing up and he needs a safe place to navigate the world a bit on his own. Because he was relatively safe in each of those scenarios, even though they seemed really unstable to him at the time.

And that is the point: All children need some safe instability to help them learn how to deal with real instability later on in life. Now, when I say "safe instability" I am not talking about a life in which children don't have enough of their basic needs me. I am talking about shaking up their normal routine and taking them outside of their comfort zone. Studies say that it is really good for them (and it is good for us parents, too).

The family on that article link above moved to another country to shake up their family routine. While I am not willing to go to that extreme, I am more than willing to have my son try a new activity, see a new city, or navigate somewhere on his own. Anything that makes him feel a little less safe and way more resilient when he gets through it.

It's just really, really hard to let him do all that.

Do you let your children explore more than you feel comfortable with? Tell me how you handle it in the comments. 

Later in life pregnancies

I am happy being the mother of one. My husband and I are satisfied with our family size and neither of us is pining for another baby. Don't get me wrong - I do sometimes wonder what life would be like with a second child (and it usually scares me a bit). Also - at least in my mind - I think of myself as too old to have another baby.

There has been a lot of research around high risk pregnancies, so it was surprising to see this small but interesting study done on the positive effects of having children later in life. I've seen research before about the benefits of having children earlier in life, and all those benefits were gains for the children. But this study focused entirely on what the mother gains from a later-in-life pregnancy: Potentially longer lifespan and higher cognitive functions in old age.

Although those benefits are not going to be the deciding factor in anyone's decision to have another baby, for pregnancy-minded women who are past their mid-30s, it might give them some comfort. At the end of the day, deciding to have a baby and when in your life you want to have children is a personal choice.

At what age do you think you are too old to have a baby? Tell me in the comments.

Spending too much time alone

Like most parents, sometimes I just want to be left alone. You know, just for a few minutes. Long enough to read a few emails, or take a bath or write a blog post. But, I think most parents wish to be left alone because we all know that it is a short-term situation. Eventually, we will be surrounded by loud noises and chaos and faces with peanut butter on them.

Life is good to us that way.

But, there are people who are terribly lonely. People who just want someone to talk to them for a little while, which is why this in-depth piece on loneliness by the NY Times is so hard to read. Because it turns out that talking isn't enough.

It helps - don't get me wrong - talking is important. But there is an actual need for one-on-one physical interaction that still isn't being met. And, although the article is focused on seniors who live alone, I am sure that there are lots of people who could use more social interaction within their day.

What am I learning from all this? Well, it makes me realize that I need to maintain my hobbies that put me around other people. In fact, I may need some new ones - just in case.

Do you have hobbies that give you social interaction? Tell me what they are in the comments.

Inviting fright at nighttime

When I was in elementary school, I bought a book for myself at the Scholastic Book Fair (which has been a thing in schools for forever). It was not my usual genre of book, though. This one was a book of spooky stories. I can still recall the ghostly figure on the cover and a few of the stories within. And, I am also sure my parents can recall me crying in the kitchen, too afraid to go to sleep, because I was fairly certain I was going to be visited by ghosts in the middle of the night. (Sorry, Mom and Dad!)

I've never been big into scary stories or movies. I am not sure I can pin it all back to that book, but let's just say that they are not my thing.

So, as a Mom, I notice that I tend to veer my son away from scary stories as well. For example, over the summer we read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone together. He loved the story. He begged to read it again. It was magical. And he knows that there are more books, but I won't go into the second one. For starters, I know that I read the first book with him a little earlier than I should have. Also, I know that the scary factor in the second book is accelerated. And, I am not sure he would be into that.

But, am I being fair to my son? A recent survey points out that about one-third of parents don't read their children books that seem too scary. I can understand why: No parent wants to produce nightmarish scenarios in their child's head at bedtime. And most parents know what their child's thresh hold is for scary stuff.

It's important to introduce villains into stories, but maybe villainy has a sliding scale.

As for my son, I still think he is too young for the second HP book - maybe next year. And, depending on what he can handle by that time, we might read that book in the middle of the day with the lights on.

Does your child like scary stories? Tell me which ones in the comments.

Roaming away from home

When I was little, I had set parameters for how far I was allowed to go in my neighborhood unsupervised. Of course, "unsupervised" is a loose term here, because there were always people sitting on their front porches in our small town, but the point is that my parents were not expected to constantly hover over me. And that was great for me, because sometimes I wanted to get in some swing time and my parents didn't have to take me to the local park.

Oh how times have changed.

Sociologists are starting to study why we have become a society that believes our children are not safe. One are of focus has been around the availability heuristic. This is the idea that if we can recall a horrific event easily, we think it is more common than it actually is. (Think about all those missing children that appeared on milk cartons...putting the idea in every Mother's mind before breakfast was even over.)

It turns out that when we do hear about incidents of children being left alone, we also allow our own moral biases to color the incidents in our minds. In this study, researchers determined that we were more likely to forgive a parent for letting their child watch a movie alone for 20 minutes while a parent got work done versus a parent using that time to have an affair.

All of this research is good news: If we are able to change the conversation, maybe we will realize our children are safe. I want my son to explore the world, not be afraid of it. But, it is hard to encourage that when the world says he can't leave my backyard.

How much independent roaming of your neighborhood did you do as a child? Tell me in the comments.

Who is judging you?

Think about a typical day out with your family. Think of all the places that you may go and all the strangers that may overhear the way your family interacts.

Do you feel judged?

It's hard not to. In fact, almost all parents report feeling judged by somebody (other parents, strangers, their spouses), with women saying they feel the pressure more often then men.

I've been in stores where my son has started crying because he wants something. And I let him cry it out while speaking soft words to him like, "it's hard when you don't get what you want, I know, but we're not getting you that today." Did other people look over at me since my child was screaming in the shopping cart? Yes. But I figured that if they were parents they knew what I was going through. And if they weren't parents, I figured they had no right to judge me.

My son would eventually stop crying and he learned the lesson that this particular tactic didn't work on Mommy. 

We all feel the pressure to be good parents, and it is hard to think that others aren't questioning our actions. The important thing to remember is to stay focused on your family, not what other people think.

How do you shake off the judgement of others? Tell me in the comments.

Being more than Mrs. Mommy

I have two t-shirts that I thought I had specially made just for fun. The first one was shortly before my wedding. I had it made to say "Mrs. XXXXX" (but instead of the Xs, it was my husband's name). The second was right after my son was born and it says XXXXXX's Mom (but instead of the Xs, it has my son's name).

I didn't think about them much at the time. They were fun to make and I still sometimes wear them to make the men in my life smile. For example, I wore the shirt with my son's name on it for Mother's Day, and he was thrilled.

But, maybe...just maybe, I had the shirts made because I was trying to balance my old identity with my new role in life.

That sounds deep, but there may be some truth to back that up, as a researcher recently reviewed Facebook posts and self-identified emotions by first-time Moms to discover that there may be a link between the amount a Mom posts to social media and her overall anxiety around being a Mother, and that she may have difficulty identifying herself in her new role. The researchers speculate that this may be why so many new mothers use their children's image for their profile picture.

The study also gives a deep dive into pressures that new Moms may feel to be perfect. It is a flawed study, due to the small sample size and its limitations to not include a very diverse portfolio of women, but there seems to be a kernel of truth for me: I am more than just Mrs. Mommy, and sometimes it is easy to forget that. But, it is important for us all to remember who we are and who we want to be.

Go onto Facebook and take a look at your profile photo. Is it a picture of you or is it a picture of your child? Tell me why in the comments.

Getting sick at daycare

My son started daycare at 6 weeks old. I remember the heartbreak of leaving him (he was so little!) and the relief of picking him up on that first day (he had gotten bigger!). I did love that facility - the nurturing attitude, the brightly lit rooms, the web cameras for me to check in on him throughout the day.

What I didn't love was that every time my son moved rooms, or a new child came into the room, he got sick. We sometimes wondered if we were sending him to school or to a giant petri dish. We soon recognized the formula:

Exposure to a new child = new germs = sickness.

Sometimes it was as simple as a cold (not that colds are simple with babies), but other times it was the dreaded Gastroenteritis, and there had to be discussions about which lucky parent was going to stay home for an admittedly rough day of diaper duty.

I believed in the collective wisdom that exposure to germs at an earlier age meant that my son would have fewer sicknesses later on in life. Now that wisdom has been backed up by a study indicating that children that get daycare bugs get other bugs less frequently by the time they are in first grade.

But there is also the evidence of my own household: My son is really healthy. Despite the occasional mild cold, we have just gotten through the entire school year with only one major sickness. I consider that a win knowing that there were more than a few major gastro bugs spreading throughout his classroom this past year.

And now, as we are about to start summer camp, I wonder if his immunity will hold out, or if he will immediately come home with a mild sickness from all that exposure to new children and new germs.

Are you worried about your child getting sick from exposure to other children in daycare? Tell me your fears in the comments.

Is depression becoming inevitable?

It doesn't matter what you are doing as a parent, if you read enough studies you learn that you are parenting wrong. But it is easy to accept that you are wrong as a parent: You have, after all, a constant walking/talking reminder in your life that you are an unfair, mean person and that you are crushing all the joy out of life because you won't let someone play on his iPad and instead keep insisting that he brush his teeth.

You know: Normal parenthood stuff.

But then you read something really scary. This will usually drop into your world after you've had a particularly good streak of bragging how smart your child is. And there it is: Your child is probably going to suffer from depression at some point. And it might be your fault.

Whether it is from lack of play in their free or school time, micromanaged lives or focusing on failure, our children have too much adult involvement in their lives. What's the answer? We need to butt out a little and take a step back to let our children take the lead. Much easier said than done, but hey, we've tried lots of other crazier things with our children over the years. Why not let them be children?

I'm all for staving off depression and taking a step back, but before I do: He still needs to brush his teeth.

How much free time does your child get in a day? Tell me in the comments.

Preparing for disaster

My son is six. So clearly he needs to know everything about tectonic plate movements. I didn't know that six-year-olds were interested in tectonic plates, but apparently they are. In the past two weeks, I've had to find videos on how plate movements cause everything from mountain formations and earthquakes to how they once caused the Beringia land bridge to break apart.

All of this, of course, I didn't know or didn't remember from the limited science that the nuns imparted upon me. But the good news from all this information is that I have also gotten to talk to my son about natural disasters.

Let me explain why that is a good thing.

Talking about earthquakes has lead to discussions around other natural disasters like tornadoes, storms and floods, which opens up the opportunity to discuss how we prepare for disasters. This is a topic that most parents don't like to broach with their children, and I can understand why: I won't let my son watch the news because I think it is too scary for him. But I am OK making sure he knows where we will meet in case we have to evacuate the house and what our family plan is.

What's not so fun is explaining that when a disaster happens people can get hurt. That is a scary thought for children, so I try to remind myself that my number one job has changed: My job used to be to keep him safe. And that is slowly changing to: Prepare him for life - the good and the bad.

What natural disasters have you talked to your children about? Tell me in the comments.

Maybe you won't have to nag your teen for a while

Last week I wrote about nagging your teen into being a safe driver. Maybe you won't need to worry about that after all. As it turns out, we have less teen drivers today than we've had in decades.

I was a late-in-life driver for many reasons. I didn't have a compelling reason to learn to drive - I walked everywhere, didn't have a car and had enough friends in car accidents that I was very nervous about heading out in a killing machine on wheels. But eventually, my Mom got me an instructor (thanks, Mom!) and I passed my test in one go.

There are lots of reasons why teens today are not driving, including:

• Lack of jobs to help pay for their cars
• Being open to other forms of transportation
• Less need for face time with their friends in public places/more friends online

I'm not sure what the trends will be a decade from now when it is my son's turn to learn how to drive, but I find it encouraging. I am happy to play the role of his chauffeur for a long time.

How old were you when you learned to drive? Tell me in the comments.  

Worried about my generation

I spent a weekend at the beach with my girlfriends recently. And what I learned from them gave me hope: They reported that their children (mostly teens) were well behaved, not interested in dating or other risky behaviors and are quite academically inclined.

A few things about all this:

1. If this trend continues, this will blow my theory around my son turning goth and against me right out of the water.
2. This is pretty representative of how most teens behave today - as in, better than their parents behaved.

Do you want to have some scary fun? Try going to this link and entering in your birth year (starting from 1972 and younger) to determine if you behaved better or worse than today's teens. (Hint: The answer is probably worse.)

For example: In my birth year, I have learned that when I was a teenager, I was vastly more likely to know smokers (true), people who drank (true) and who became teenage moms (true) than teenagers today.

Suddenly, I have a lot of hope toward the teen my son is going to become.

How did your teenage years stack up? Tell me in the comments?

Could your weight be affecting your memory?

I know a lot of things that affect my memory: My ability to concentrate on one thing at a time, the way I initially experience the memory, the amount of sleep I've had, and whether or not I've just entered a room. But I had no idea that my weight could affect it.

In a small (but scary) study, researchers found that people with higher BMIs had lower scores on memory tests. I know that this may not be the tipping point that drives someone to a healthier lifestyle, but it has definitely gotten my attention.

Memory is important to me - I consider myself to be the keeper of my son's memories to the point where I've kept a journal of his life for the past five years. (That sentence seemed a little stalkish when I typed it; I assure you it is not stalkish.) The thought that I might have the chance to improve my memory and my health at the same time really appeals to me.

Do you ever worry about memory loss? Let me know in the comments.