Talking to your baby

I remember talking a lot to my son when he was a baby. We talked about the activities that we did during the day, the chores and how they got done, the funny things our cats did and the objects in the world around us. I talked to him so much because - like a lot of parents - I had read studies that it was important to talk to your baby.

But there may be another reason that Mommas are doing all that talking - it turns out that unhappy Moms talk more to their sons.

I find this study fascinating, because it is specifically about Moms and their sons. But I also get it: If you are a woman who is unhappy with your partner, you may feel better talking to the cutest little man in your family. (And maybe it helps that your son is happy with the attention and can't talk back?) It is weird to me, however, that it doesn't happen with Mothers and their baby girls.

Do unhappy Dads talk more to their daughters? I couldn't find any research on that one either.

I do know that it is possible to be a happy parent and still talk a lot to your baby. They like it. You'll like it (it's weird at first, but so are most things you do as a parent). And when you are done talking to your baby, you need to talk to your partner - you are in this parenting thing together.

What did you like to talk to your baby about? Tell me in the comments.

The ways we first learn to sleep

I have always considered myself fortunate that my son was such an easy baby. He was a good eater, he was not really a crier and (most importantly to a new parent) he was a good sleeper. I wasn't sure how I ended up so lucky, but I definitely enjoyed it.

In fact, I've enjoyed every age my son has been (even ferocious three), and I've liked learning about all the different methods that parents come up with to help their children navigate the world (hence this blog). One of the most fascinating subjects to me is sleep - starting with sleep training methods in our infancy.

I think that sleep training falls into one of those weird categories for parents - things we didn't realize we had to teach someone. (Other items in this category include blowing your nose and how to work a toilet seat.) It just isn't on our radar - everything needs sleep and it doesn't ever occur to us that we need to teach someone to sleep on their own.

These days my family enjoys pretty uninterrupted sleep. While my son is still at the age where he has an occasional nightmare, he mostly sleeps at a regular schedule. I remind him that his schedule of sleep will be important for him to pay attention to throughout his life. I am not sure if that message sinks in, but one day (like all parents), he may learn not to take sleep for granted.

What did you find interesting about your child's journey toward a sleep schedule? Tell me in the comments. 

The changes to Dad's brain

My husband is a wonderful father to our son. He is a good playmate, encourages our son to try new things and is very patient. I love him for all of these things. I loved him for the man he was before we had our child. And, while the BC and AC (before child and after child) version of my husband is basically the same guy, I have noticed some changes in him along the journey through parenthood.

For example: The Dad jokes. While my husband always appreciated a good pun, fatherhood seems to have taken that appreciation to a whole new level. Sometimes I seek out especially good/bad ones just to make him smile.

And then there is his role as the real-world explainer. My husband loves to show-and-tell how the world works for our son. This is generally a good thing and only occasionally backfires on him (like when my husband explained that the GPS tracked our car's speed against the limit and our son announced every time we were over it by 1mph.)

It turns out that these types of changes are very real. "Dad brain" is a thing. Men have chemical changes that kick in after the baby is born. Interestingly, those chemicals aren't released until a few weeks after the baby arrives, which is why some men feel they need to "warm up" to the new baby. 

Frankly, I think this is pretty cool. Moms, of course, are already flooded with baby-loving hormones and it is amazing that Dads' bodies find a way to react and catch up.

If you need me, I'll be searching for new puns to make my husband smile.

The cost of those first years

I was in a large baby supply department store buying a gift for a friend, when I overheard this couple trying to determine what they should scan for their baby registry. They weren't sure which of the contraptions they were looking at they would actually need and which ones they could do without. They compromised by scanning in everything so they could move on to the next aisle. 

I remember being that couple when my husband and I were first expecting: We had no real idea what we would need and what we could do without. So we did what most people do: We asked our friends. We asked our friends and loved ones for advice on topics ranging from feeding and sleep schedules to delivery options and weird pregnancy symptoms. 

But we never really asked our friends about financial issues related to the baby. The thought of equating a baby with money feels...weird. It doesn't feel like you are discussing your "bundle of joy" properly. But, of course, having a baby is expensive, which is why lists like this one of major financial issues to discuss are fantastically helpful.

Well, they are helpful when you read several of them.

You see, these lists have a way of sometimes giving unintentionally bad advice. The one on that link, for example, advises trying to stay at home certain days of your work week to help with childcare. I think that line of thinking forgets how much care babies take and that most employers are not OK with you working from home while taking care of someone completely helpless that naps on a schedule that doesn't always align well for conference calls.

So, to new parents, I advise that you keep asking questions. And to us already parents, I advise that we be more comfortable talking about money. And that way everyone can feel more prepared to welcome their bundles into the world.

What financial advice do you wish someone had given you when you had your baby? Tell me in the comments.

The numbers don't lie

When I was pregnant, well-meaning people would say things to me that I sounded like perfectly normal English sentences. Things like:

• Make sure you spend time with your partner now before the baby comes.
• You won't sleep at all once the baby arrives.
• Once you have the baby, you'll want to stay home all day.
• Having two isn't that much more expensive than having one.
• Your time will no longer be your own.
• Let me tell you about <insert horrific delivery story here>

Each of these statements came from a good place, but it made me realize that people are truly horrible at trying to prepare others for what life is like once you have children. 

While I can understand that the disconnect is most likely due to everyone's experience being different, there has to be some way to help new parents understand how much their lives may change after they have a child.

Oh, look: Charts.

The information on that link is gathered from the American Time Use Survey, and helpfully depicts how much time people have for an activity based on whether or not they have children. I think that is a pretty clever use of data, although I am sure that anyone who really loves an activity will eventually find a way to return to it. Sure, you may not be able to go rock climbing again a week after the baby is born, but you may be able to re-discover that hobby when your child is old enough to join you at the climbing wall.

A parent can hope, right?

What activity do you want to return to one day when your children are older? Tell me in the comments.

Looking for the family resemblance

My son looks like me. He has my nose and my lips and my earlobes. My son looks like my husband. He has my husband's chin, and eyes and facial structure. My son got the best of both of us.

When my son was first born, everyone tried to figure out who he resembled. There were folks who claimed that he looked just like one parent, but my husband and I didn't really join in. He looked like both of us. We were insistent about that (despite the preponderance of photographic evidence on my side of the family).

I didn't realize that claiming the baby's resemblance to a family member was a big deal, but there is a lot of evidence that people claim that a baby resembles the father. While no one is sure of why we have these conversations (is it a way to include fathers in the conversation to make them feel more involved? or a way to help designate parentage, since we all know who the Mother is?), I can see the appeal of the game.

In our case, it backfired on a lot of friends and family members simply because my husband and I share a lot of similar traits. So, unless you were looking closely it was easy to mix up which body part came from which parent.

People continue to play this game with us as our son gets older (although it is mostly teachers and friends now) and I have become curious about whey they seem so sure in their proclamations of resemblance. What mannerism from my son did they just witness that made them declare he was just like me? What facial expression did he just give them that made them claim that he was 100% my husband?

Then again, I think back to the wise words of my StepDad upon first seeing my son in the hospital: All babies look like Winston Churchill.

He's not wrong.

Who do you think your child resembles and why? Tell me in the comments. 

The working Mom scale

When I was pregnant, I got asked a lot of questions. Some of them were expected, like "boy or girl?" or "when are you due?" or "what are you craving?" One question that I wasn't prepared for (but got a lot) was "are you going to return to work?"

I am not an idiot: I know that some women take a leave from the working world to raise their baby. What was odd was when I answered in the affirmative and the response was "well, you can't say that for sure; you never know."

But I was sure I knew. My husband and I both work. Working was important to me. I had my son and went back to work. Of course it was hard to leave him, but I believed I made the right choice for me and my family in the long run.

I was interested to learn where I fell on the scale of working Moms - those women who returned to work after having a baby and when they returned. It turns out that there is a lot of variance. Factors like family support, working status before the baby and household income all play a big role.

I like my family. I like my job. I am happy to have both, but I know that my life might not work for every Mom.

Did you return to work after having your child? Tell me in the comments.

Parents not sleeping in

Several of my friends have been talking about a recent study that clocked a parental sleep deprivation of six years after having a baby. They talked about how the study makes so much sense because they feel like they are never rested.

Yes, we were all told by well-meaning friends and family members that we would not sleep after the baby arrived - and we were as prepared for that as we could be. But this is the first time lots of people are talking about being sleep deprived until your child is in first grade.

Like most studies, this one focuses on averages. So Moms of newborns average 62 minutes of less sleep compared to pre-baby days. Moms of first graders averaged 20 minutes less sleep compared to pre-baby days. I don't doubt those numbers, but I do wonder what the average times are for years 1-5. Does the sleep deficit ramp down slowly?

When my friends were talking about these numbers, I did a little bit of gentle challenging: Didn't you just tell me an hour ago that you started getting up earlier to have some time to yourself in the morning? Or exercise? Or meditate? So the real question becomes: Are these parents not sleeping at night because of a direct interaction with their little one or because they want some time alone?

I guess that either way parents need a nap.

Do you sacrifice your sleep to get things done for yourself in the morning? Tell me in the comments.

The class of 2037 is sparse

One thought that hits me right before I fall asleep at night is that my son (my baby!) will be 18 years old in less than a decade. He's told me about his plans for college and moving out and while I am delighted he is thinking about being a fully functioning adult, the thought that my baby will be on his own in the world one day makes it hard to sleep some nights.

I hope when he gets out there that he isn't too lonely.

As more and more adults in their 20s put off having children, the baby gap is widening. So much so, that economists have started to include births (or the lack thereof) as a signal that the economy has not fully bounced back from a recession.

It's a weird thought - at least at first - that babies are a consumable good that we can measure the economic growth by. But once the article pointed out that we spend a lot of money on our children with very little return of investment...well, they aren't wrong.

So what does this mean? Well, for one thing, there aren't a lot of babies being born this year, so the graduating class of 2037 is looking a little sparse.

It also means that no one is certain about the world's future population: I hopped to the article linked above after reading about the potential growth rate of the world and experts questioning how we would be able to sustain a population of 10 billion people. But to have that many people, we would need a lot more babies.

For me, I will continue to enjoy my time with my baby...because that time grows more precious as each day passes.

How many years do you have left with your "baby" in the house? Let me know in the comments.

The tone that your baby likes to hear

My husband and I talked to our son a lot when he was a baby. (For the record, we talk to him a lot now, too, but we are not sure he is always listening.) We talked in a slightly higher-pitched tone, with big smiles on our faces and short sentences. He liked it then (but probably doesn't now.)

We were super excited in those early days of baby babble, when he started mimicking our sounds. Sure, a lot of the time he screeched like a baby pterodactyl, but it wasn't long before he said his first word. (For the record, it was "mama." Well done, little man.)

It wasn't until my son was older and I started reading more parenting research that I learned we were speaking "Parentese" and how important it is to a baby's development. Babies need to hear us talking in those higher pitches constantly so they can figure out how the whole language thing works. And this eventually makes them better talkers as they get older.

I'm wondering if this inclination is semi-instinctual. We did this without even thinking about it or making a game plan or critiquing each other's pitch. I don't recall anyone ever telling me, "Talk to the baby all the time." Maybe it's one of those things I picked up on other parents doing without ever noticing.

Anyway, it works and it helps build vocabulary, and even though it feels silly at first you get used to it over time. Just be sure to use your normal tone when you speak to adults again.

Did you make an extra effort to speak to your baby all the time? Tell me about it in the comments.

Knowing more about bed rest

I was fortunate to have a very healthy pregnancy with my son. My doctor described me as a "boring" patient (which he assured me was good) and there was never any mention about me needing to lighten my load or go on bed rest. And, looking back, that made me lucky as I had a full-time job that I didn't want to leave and a lot of other responsibilities.

I have had several friends ordered by their doctors to go on bed rest, and I've listened to the upheaval that it has caused in their lives: My friends are never exactly sure how much activity they really can do, they can't play with their other children the way they would like, their partners are under more stress to help out and they can't perform their jobs. Several of them have told me that they feel like they have been taken out of society completely.

To me, it sounds like they were at risk for depression.

The thing about bed rest, is that none of my friends ever questioned if it was effective, because at the end they all had healthy babies. So, I know that none of my friends would have made a different decision, even if they were presented with the information that bed rest may not be necessary. 

We trust our doctors - especially new Mothers - so when they tell us that we need bed rest and our baby is at stake, it's hard not to question them. But I do think it is worth the conversation to find out exactly what bed rest means, because the consequence to the Mother - including depression, blood clots and general weakness - may be a much bigger toll than the doctor realizes.

Did you ever go on bed rest during a pregnancy? What did you do to occupy your time? Tell me in the comments.

When baby bumps spread

When I was pregnant with my son, I had this thing happen where I suddenly saw pregnant women and babies everywhere - at the mall, in grocery stores, walking around the city....Logically, I knew that they had been there all along, but it wasn't until I was one of them (among my own kind) that I started to notice them.

At first, I thought it was just me being not very aware of my surroundings until I had a big bump I had to figure out how to navigate through the world, but then a friend of mine at work who was also pregnant mentioned it, and I learned it was "one of those things" about pregnancy.

So, there we were, two women in the department pregnant at the same time, and we heard "don't drink the water" jokes being tossed at the other ladies in the department fairly regularly. 

It's an old joke.

And there may be something to it. Because of course you can't catch pregnancy like a virus, but you can latch onto the idea of getting pregnant - at least according to one study. Simply put: When you see your friends get pregnant, you start to think about your own child situation as well (at least within a certain age group.)

Maybe there is something to the study. Maybe not. When we are in our child bearing years, we tend to have a lot of friends who are the same age as we are, and it would make sense that we go through some of life's stages at the same time. You could make the same argument that weddings are contagious, too.

What I do know is that I do still notice lots of other Mothers when I am out and about my day, but I also notice lots of other people, too. So, the real question is: Did pregnancy turn me into a people watcher?

Did you get pregnant around the same time as your friends? Tell me in the comments.

Our clocks really do matter

The time change occurred over the weekend, and (as expected) my cat didn't understand it. She was hungry, and from her perspective, Mommy was being lazy. 

While I didn't get the extra hour of sleep that the end of daylight savings time promises me, it did get me thinking about our internal clocks. I recently taught my son the word "crepuscular" to describe our cat, as she is most active in the dawn and dusk times of day. Her internal rhythm is set to those times, and she doesn't actually care what our digital clocks say.

And then there was my biological clock, which I thought was a bit of a myth when I was in my early 20s, but then as I approached 30, got pretty hard to ignore. I have heard similar stories from my girlfriends, as well as stories that resulted in clocks going off much earlier.

And then there is my husband's clock. While we all know that some men also have a biological clock, it's cool to learn that theirs is often attached to health risks. The longer they wait to have a baby, the more potential risks are passed on to the baby. While we've known this to be true for women for a long time, it is fantastic that someone started to look at the ages of fathers and the role that they play.

So there you have it: Clocks. They rule our lives. Except for the cat. She keeps her own time.

Have you learned to listen to your internal clock? Share with me in the comments.

Sucking down the nutrients

I recently showed my son pictures of himself when he was first eating solid foods. He asked what type of food was his favorites. It was bananas. He couldn't wait for me to slice them so he could shove them into his mouth and gum them down.

I remember that time of his life fondly: We tried all kinds of foods with him, and there were winners (sweet potatoes! carrots! oatmeal!) and losers (green beans, peas). It's funny to think about how his tastes have changed (even though he still doesn't like green beans).

One thing I am certain of is that we tried foods with him at the right time, and with our doctor's knowledge. We introduced him to new foods slowly, and he got used to the textures on his little gums (he didn't have teeth for a while).

One thing my son never had was those food pouches - those squeeze packs of pureed foods. I definitely saw them in the store, but never bought them. We were having too much fun at home with his little utensils.

It turns out that those food pouches may be delaying our little one's development. That news may come as a shock to many parents, since they do contain pureed fruit and vegetables. But, sucking down nutrients from a pouch doesn't allow our babies to get used to utensils. So, like so many lessons we need to learn, it is all about moderation: The convenience of the pouches causes many parents to overuse them.

It's hard enough to make the transition between breast milk/formula and solids, especially for new parents. The best advice is to chat with your doctor along the way.

What was your baby's first favorite food? Share in the comments.

Twenty-eight colds are in your future

Before I had my son, all my friends told me that I wouldn't sleep again for a long time. And I believed them. But that didn't mean that I was ready to experience the deep level of tiredness I did those first weeks of my son's life.

I also had people tell me how four-year-olds ask endless questions all day. Again, I believed them, but it still didn't prepare me for what that actually was like when my son's curiosity started to blossom.

Since I don't think anything could have accurately prepared me for what parenthood felt like, I am not sure if looking at parenthood data before I had my son would have mattered. But for people who are expecting and like specifics, you should know: One study of UK parents shows that Moms and Dads experience 728 sleepless nights before their child turns four.

Wait a minute...that's a lot of nights. I definitely would not have wanted to know that specific number.

But for number-minded people, it may be helpful to know that there are more than a thousand tantrums or 192 phone interruptions or 28 colds in their future. But, on the brighter side, there are more than 14 hundred kisses and tons of "I love yous" and plenty of moments where your child will make you bust out laughing.

Side note: You may be more susceptible to laughing when you are tired.

I would not have wanted to know all those numbers before I had my son, because I like to focus on the individual times with him: The first times that he told me he loved me are important; the times that he woke me up in the middle of the night because of bad dreams were not.

I'd rather keep my thoughts on the last best moment and the next great moment to come. Not the overall totals.

Do you ever wonder how many sleepless nights you had with your child? Tell me in the comments.

The singing Mommy

I am not a very good singer.

I am the person who tells others that my gift to them is not singing happy birthday to them. I don't participate in karaoke and I will pretend not to know the words to songs to not join in a public sing along.

I will, however, sing to when I am listening to music alone. Or to my family members on occasion - like when my son was little, or something funny to my wonderful husband or even with my Mom. Those people are family. They are safe. And, of course, whenever I am alone in the car I am going to belt out my favorite songs that come on the radio because the windows are up and you can't hear me. (Also: You are welcome.)

Do I feel good when I sing? Maybe. I never really thought about it, but I know many people who truly enjoy it. And, interestingly, a small study has found that singing may help women who are suffering from postpartum depression. It's unclear from the study if it was the community support that the women received to encourage them to learn new lullabies or if it was the act of singing to their child that helped, but I think the results are amazing. Since postpartum depression affects so many women, it is beneficial to try a number of methods to help them through it.

And, for women like me who don't sing very well, it is important to keep in mind that all babies love their Mommy's voice. Even when that voice can't carry a tune.

Did you enjoy singing to your baby when they were little? Do you still sing with them now that they are older? Tell me in the comments.

Lullaby and I am paying attention to you

I am not a great singer. While I remember a lot of lyrics, I can't really keep a tune. So my singing is limited to when I am in the car by myself and I am convinced that no one else will hear me.
 
But, I did sing to my son when he was a baby. I had a mixed CD (yes, really) of songs that I was generally OK singing that I would pop in at his bedtime. I would sing and rock him until he was asleep.

I had always known that a lot of parents sing to their children (I have very fond memories of my Dad rocking and singing me to sleep), but I had never wondered why all cultures had some sort of lullaby.

In a controversial theory that caught my attention, some researchers are positing that lullabies are the result of parents proving to their babies that they are paying attention to them. When our ancestors were still required to protect their families from major external threats (famine, fire and leopards), the singing to sleep may have emerged as a signal to let babies know that we were watching over them.

This is super hard to prove, of course, but it is a cool thought. Most parents figure out that their children are manipulating them at some point (sorry, if you didn't know that yet), but I don't think any of us realized they were doing it at infancy.

No matter what the truth is, I have lovely memories of singing to my son as he drifted off to sleep. Those are memories he won't retain, but I will. And the best part is that no one complained about my singing.

What was your favorite song to sing to your baby? Tell me in the comments.

The baby is crying

Let's go back to when you were a first-time Mom and your baby started crying. What did you do?

I'm guessing that you picked up the baby, held him close and started talking to him. Shortly after that, the baby calmed down and stopped crying.

Here's the thing: No one had to teach you that. Sure, you may have seen other mothers do that but unless you have taken one of those incredibly detailed parenting classes that give step-by-step instructions for every single thing, no one expressly told you to pick up the baby, hold her close and talk to her.

So, here is the very cool thing: We all do it. All of us. Automatically. It doesn't matter what country you are from or the socioeconomic background you have, new Moms are hard-wired to take those steps to soothe their crying infant.

Why is this useful to know?

I think, if we all look back at being a first-time parent, we will remember how freaked out we were and that we felt we didn't actually know what we were doing. (I still don't know what I am doing most days.) So, I think it is pretty cool that my biology took care of me in the case of my crying son.

Thanks, Science!

What was your greatest worry when you first brought home your baby? Share those early-day fears in the comments.

The potty training will eventually happen

There is nothing that quite prepares you for parenthood. At no point of time before I had my son would I have believed that I would one day be genuinely proud of another human being for using the toilet.

But, yup. I was crazy proud the first time my son used the potty.

When we went through potty training with our son, I ran through a never-ending cycle of emotions and thoughts: He can do it/he's too young still/he doesn't want to/I thought we were making progress/what do other parents do about this/are we failures/I think he's got it now/nope, he definitely doesn't...

Potty training experts have a wide range of advice, but they all agree that your child will eventually learn. (Pretty words, but not helpful when you are in the throes of trying to convince your child to give up on diapers.)

So - probably because that phase of my life is so far in our past - I found this look at potty training methods across the world really fascinating. Would any of this information have helped us when we were going through it? Who knows.

What I do know is that I will need a very similar article for when my son starts to learn how to drive.

Did you have any magic tips when you tried to potty train your child? Share them in the comments.

The fears we have at birth

I have often hoped that I would not pass along my fear of snakes to my son. And for several years, I think I did a pretty good job. He eventually learned that I was afraid of snakes, but he still doesn't seem to be afraid of them. So, yay me.

Pictured: Not a snake or a spider.

But I don't really know where I got my fear of snakes from. I remember almost stepping on one in my friend Nicole's backyard once. And there were a few at Girl Scout camp that we avoided. But it isn't like any of them ever came after me.

But new research indicates that we may have been born with this fear. Fear is probably the wrong word to use, though: It turns out that the eyes of babies dilate (indicating an intense focus) when shown pictures of snakes and spiders (as opposed to flowers and bunnies.) Obviously some of us lose any feelings of anxiety along the way and people get snakes and spiders as pets, but the rest of us go through our lives looking down intently when walking through the woods.

And science hasn't really figured out why.

So, for now, I will do my best to not show my intense fear around my son. I will continue to go to zoos and other exhibits with him and comment on the snakes kept safely in their tanks and prevent myself from running screaming from the room.

What are you afraid of? Tell me in the comments.