Won't you be my friend?

There's this clever trick that my son's teachers have incorporated into their classrooms. They all refer to the class as "friends." Not as "students," or "kids" or even "children." Friends. I've heard statements like, "Clean up your stations, friends, and we can all head to the library." And: "I'm not sure where the humming is coming from, my friends, but it needs to stop."

In a way, it is brilliant, because it makes the students consider each other part of one big friends group. So, when I ask my son about his day, I hear him label everyone as a friend. 

Of course, the slight downside to this is that it is a little harder for me to determine which of my son's classmates he has a deeper friendship with, but I am OK with having to ask more questions to determine that. (For the record, sometimes he is not OK with my probing.)

Figuring out your child's friendships can be hard. The children that are labeled as friends one day become adversaries the next week and then make up again before the school day is out. Or you'll suddenly get a phone call from a parent inviting your child over because he is the best of friends with their child - even though you've never heard that child's name mentioned before.

I like that most of the advice on the topic of childhood friends is to just listen. Our kids are still trying to figure out how to navigate their own behaviors and sometimes trying to figure out someone else seems like it is too much. Eventually, they will learn what they are looking for in a true friend and (hopefully) will want to tell you all about it.

Does your child have a best friend? Share the story in the comments.

A comparitive view helps when thinking about normal

The more time I spend around other children who are the same age as my son, the better I feel.

I'll explain.

Like many parents, I have often wondered if my son's behavior is "normal." This is something most parents wonder. We wonder why we have to ask our child multiple times to put their shoes on, or to not run screaming through the house, or we get frustrated when we beg our child to leave the cat alone because she doesn't want to be picked up. "Is this normal?" we ask ourselves throughout the day.

(Hint: Yes. Yes it is.)

But it is hard to accept chaos as within the realm of normal since we don't always remember acting this way when we were children. So, I go and visit my son's classroom. Or I hang out with his scout pack. And I see all types of behavior. And he is just like every other kid.

Normal.

I think this is a truly helpful activity for parents of single children. With multiple children, you get the proof right there in your own household. But sometimes we need to be reminded that there is a wide range of normal. And your child probably fits into it.

If you don't believe me, or if you need an expert to tell you the same thing, then here is a link that will help break down the stressful nature of worrying about your child's behavior.

The point of this is not to compare your child's behavior to another child's and wish that your child was more like them. Rather, try to understand that there are is a lot of wiggle room in behavior and that no child is perfect.

What do you worry about when it comes to your child's behavior? Tell me in the comments.

Looking out for our Moms

Some days I worry about my Mom. Not for any particular reason - she is in good health, she lives nearby, she is brilliant. But a general worry sometimes enters my active thoughts: I am sitting at my desk at work and start to wonder if my Mom is OK.

I think this is a variation of Mom-dar - the ability to recognize that I haven't talked with my Mom in awhile, and I need to call or text her. And maybe we will exchange a few text messages and I will feel better.

I know that as a parent the worry you feel about your child will never go away, but I didn't realize how much I would think about my parents after I left their house.

We leave the nest when we are young and still a little stupid about the way the world works and we find others like us and say things like "my friends are my family." And sure, that may feel true, but your parents are still your parents. And science has proved that with this study showing that we tend to put the needs of our parents before our friends.

I like people's conflicted emotions coming out of that study. That they were claiming that they felt closer to their friends at the beginning of the study, but that they felt their parents did so much for them that they had to work harder for them.

Maybe that is something we all need to be reminded of: Our parents work really hard for us because they love us. And they are our family.

Do you feel closer to your parents or your friends? Tell me in the comments.

Our changing motivations

One of the best parts of my work is that I talk to people in every stage of life. I work with people who are just out of college who want to prove themselves or find their inspiration; people who are starting families and need to shift the amount of time they work; empty nesters who have different career goals for the first time in years; and folks who are about to retire to pursue other passions in their lives.

It reminds me that all of us have different focuses throughout our life, and the more attention we pay to the times our focuses shift, the happier we will be.

I spend a lot of time talking with my coworkers around this topic - reminding them that it is OK to tip the never-quite-balanced scales between work and home in one direction or another depending on what you are currently going through.

What I was surprised to learn about was the growing need for social connections the older we get. Since socializing seemed like a young person's focus to me for so long, I didn't realize how important it becomes as we grow older. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense: Consider those grandparents who are still working and can't wait to spend time with their families and friends on the weekends.

What is your current focus in life? Share with me in the comments.

The social media platform of choice

My son and I are looking at pictures from his school.

"Wait," he says. "This is Facebook. This is my school's Facebook page."

"Yes, it is." I say.

"But I didn't think you had an account," he says.

"It's a public page. You don't need an account to see it," I say.

Two things here:

1. My son understands what Facebook is.
2. My son somehow knows that I don't have an account.

I'm curious about both those things, but not worried. My son is only eight. I am sure there will be some sort of new social media craze that he and all his friends will be on by the time he is a tween. And, it is at that point of time that I will need to join whatever that thing is.

Whatever it may be, it won't be Facebook. Recent poll numbers show that teens are leaving Facebook for other social platforms. That's not really surprising: Don't all children abandon something once their parents adopt it? It can't possibly be cool anymore if your whole family uses it.

So, I will wait until my son is older and wants to join whatever all his friends have joined. And then I will join, too. (And it will instantly become uncool.)

Do you join all the same social networks that your child is on? Tell me in the comments.

My Mom says I can't play with you anymore

There are a few of my son's friends that I don't care for. I know they are just kids. I know that my son likes them. But, I don't.

I can't even tell you exactly what it is about these children that I don't like. I don't think it is any one thing. Maybe it's because they are exposed to older-kid subjects through older siblings, and I don't like the way they pass that stuff on to my son. Maybe it's because every time I am around them I notice behavior that I don't like and worry that my son will forget his good behaviors. Maybe it's a combination of these things.

I try very hard to not influence who my son plays with. (With one notable exception: And I am sure his teachers are thankful for that intervention since they got each other in trouble every time they interacted.) But, I didn't always realize how much influence parenting behaviors have over their children's friendships. But this is more than just "I don't like that kid." Parents who suffer from depression or other disorders have such a negative effect on their children's lives, that it becomes difficult for children to navigate and maintain social relationships.

My son is going to have a lot of relationships in his life. He has already forgotten some of the children he used to go to pre-school with and pines over some kids who have moved away. I want my son to learn how to make and maintain friendships over his lifetime. And, hopefully, learn which friends to keep and which ones to get rid of on his own.

Which childhood friend do you miss the most? Tell me in the comments.

Not catching your kids when they fall

When our children are little, we are at the end of the playground slide, catching them when they reach the bottom. We are there, standing behind them as they tentatively cross the monkey bars. And we are the first to offer a steadying finger when they try to stay balanced when walking across a low curb.

Because we love them, and we want to catch them when they fall.

As they get older, they may not need our fingers anymore, so we find other ways to support them. Like when they have bad days at school. Or have a fight with a friend.

There comes a time when our children know what they are supposed to do, and they need to do it. They need to do it without us reminding them, or prodding them or (yikes!) doing the task for them.

I know lots of parents who still help their high school age children with homework and dictate their time management schedules for them and still treat them like they did when those kids first entered elementary school.

So when is the best time to ease off the overly supportive parenting behavior?

According to one study: Third grade.

Of course, the study is small, and it really only studies Moms (why is it always only Moms?). But it is worth a look to remind us that there is going to be a time when we need to back off on our levels of emotional support for our children - probably long before we are ready to do so.

You know - the same way we backed away from the slide long before we really wanted to let them do it on their own.

Do you feel like you give your child the right level of emotional support? Why or why not? Share with me in the comments.

Other people's children

My son is telling me about some nonsense that he has learned from his friends at school. This is how a lot of our conversation begin these days - him passing along information that he picked up from other children at school. It is because of those other children that he has questioned Santa Claus, he's learned some swear words and I've had to explain to him that almonds aren't poisonous.

Sigh. Other people's children.

I often think about all the grown-ups my son has in his life - he has 14 teachers in his school alone - and their capacity for patience, love and understanding. Those remarkable people spend their days surrounded by other people's children and care about them at an extraordinary level.

I question if I have that gene in me.

I like some children. And it is interesting to me the older I get where my designations are drawn. I wonder if that is a byproduct of being a parent or just my genes. But I know myself well enough to know that I don't have the wherewithal to spend my days filled with other people's children. For starters, I would be exhausted just trying to straighten out their passed-along "facts" for the real truth.

There is an interesting thought experiment written about here, asking if it would be possible to treat everyone with an equal amount of compassion. This would mean that your child would go without new clothes so that you could give that money to a homeless person and that other people's needs are just as important as your family's.

I understand the need to have compassion for others, but we are hard wired to put our children above others for a reason. My son knows that he is special to me for so many reasons that are not applicable to any other child on this earth.

So...yeah. Love your children. Be kind to other children. Sort through the nonsense when you need to.

What is the strangest thing your child learned from another child? Tell me in the comments.

How high school teen movies will need to change

Think about the teen movies you used to watch from the 80s to the 2000s. Try to name one without a teenage party of some sort taking place. I'll wait.

I am the first to admit that I don't have a wide knowledge of all the teen movies that came out in that time frame, but I can't think of one that doesn't have a major party scene or huge social event in it. At the very least is a major dance scene. (And everyone knows the steps.)

While I am a fan of angst and teen problems and great choreography, all of that is going to have to change. Modern-day teen movies (to be more realistic) are going to have to incorporate montages of teens chatting on their phones in place of major social events.

Teens just don't hang out the way they used to. If you are wondering who says that it is true, it is from the mouth of teens. The hours that they used to spend hanging out are now spent in academic or extra curricular pursuits. There's no free time to plan taking over another teenager's home for a giant party, or attending after school classes to learn the group choreography for the big scene at prom.

I'm not saying that school dances won't still happen, but I am curious if they are as big a deal as they used to be. And even though my movie repertoire currently consists of kids flicks, I'll be interested in seeing if teen movies start reflecting real life.

What's your teen's social life like? (Do you know?) Tell me in the comments.

The potential of new neighbors

A few weeks ago my husband told me that the house next door to us had been sold. I was elated.

We moved to our home more than a year ago, and there was nothing but an empty lot next door to us. And another empty lot next to that one. Then, over the summer, the builder decided to develop spec houses on those lots. The house two down from us sold fairly quickly but the one next door remained open.

I often think about what it would be like to have neighbors again. My husband and I would surreptitiously watch prospective buyers as they checked out the house next door - we knew what we were looking for - people who looked normal. People our age with at least one child and no dogs would be a bonus. (But we'd settled for normal.)

I don't know who bought the lot yet or when they will be moving in, but I understand that the people in our neighborhoods become important in adulthood. As this article explains, adult friendships are difficult to keep up without a communal space to do so. This is why we have so many friends at school and work but lose friendships when we have permanent homes away from the "core" groups we develop in our younger days.

So this turns out to be the time in our lives when we hope that we have good neighbors, or at least normal neighbors. And hopefully, they will think that we are worth knowing, too.

How well do you know your neighbors? Tell me in the comments.

The social network you create for yourself

My son and I are at the park and we've hit it at just the right time - there are about 30 other children already there. My son's face lights up and he spends the next hour running all over the playground with other children and eventually plays catch with a few of them. By the time he is ready to go home, he is sweaty and exhausted and can't stop smiling.

On the car ride home, I asked him what some of the other children's names were. I am not surprised when he mentions that he forgot to ask (this is a common issue). But in the next sentence he referred to the fun he and his "friends" were having.

It is interesting to me that he thinks of those children as friends, even though he doesn't know their names. (And, in fairness to my son, none of them asked his name either.)

I'm fascinated by the way my son interacts with other children - immediately regarding new people as friends and joining into their games. Or, when he mentions someone as being his "best friend" at school, but the names tend to rotate out faster than I can keep track of. I'm glad when he talks about all this: Navigating relationships outside of the family is important to his overall growth.

So, I'll keep watching, especially since I've learned that the real fascinating discoveries about friendship will come in high school: Our popularity in high school tends to lay the foundation for how we view friendships for the rest of our lives. It should be shocking to no one to learn that close relationships formed in high school tend to lead to the greatest amount of happiness later on in life. But what may be surprising is what happens to the popular crowd: They tend to be the ones experiencing the highest degree of social anxiety later on in life. Popular, it turns out, is a hard quality to keep up with.

I'm not sure where my son will land on the social scale - the kids in his elementary school all get along well now, but I know that it is not going to be that way forever. For my part, I can continue to ask him questions about what makes a good friend and see what he values as he gets older.

Do you think your child is popular? Tell me in the comments.

That first time your relationship with your parents changed

My son has had a lot of milestones: First crawl, first tooth, first steps, first day of school, first fall from his bike, first lost tooth...and he probably won't remember most of them. But that's OK, because he has a whole other set of milestones coming his way. Some are major (first time driving, first day of high school, first significant other) and lots of his firsts I will never know about. But there is one big first that is likely to hit both of us - probably before we are ready: The first time our relationship changes.

For a lot of teens, the first time your relationship with your parents change is in college, as captured here in this thoughtful, four-year view. For those who don't go to college, it might be when they first move out, but it is usually the same theme: Your relationship with your parents changes when you show them you can take care of yourself (more or less) independently.

But what the writer of that piece may not realize yet is that your relationship with your parents continues to change. As an adult, I have a healthy, ever-evolving relationship with my wonderful Mother. I know that in her heart, I will forever be her baby girl (and that makes me happy), but she and I have traveled a long road to move toward mutual respect, friendship and beyond. She will forever be my teacher, but our conversations long ago changed from the workbooks she would give me to practice writing skills to how we can figure things out on our blogs together.

And I recognize that the first step in that journey happened for me when I went to college - I started becoming more than just a daughter and she became more than just my Mother.

I can only write about this with the wisdom of someone who is still in the middle of the journey, but the idea of me being on the other side of this relationship is a little daunting. How am I supposed to look at my son one day and recognize him as an independent guy who can take care of himself when a part of me will forever look at him as the little boy who leaned across the table a few days ago to tell me that he was pretty sure he had been wearing his undies inside out and backwards all day but they felt OK.

This growing up thing never ends, does it? I hope I have a long time on this journey - both with my Mom and my son. I am going to need all the time I can get to get it right.

What is the hardest part about being a grown-up? Tell me in the comments.

Finding friend time again

I'm a little bummed. I got a text from a faraway friend who is going to be in my city next week, but it happens to be on a day I will not be around. It is one of those spontaneous meetings that just didn't work out and I am trying to take comfort in the fact that I will see her again in a few months for our twice-a-year gals getaway.

That missed opportunity made me think about my time with friends: It is special and precious and memorable. It also made me realize that my son has reached an age when he doesn't need me around as much and for the first time in ages, I have my own free time again.

What to do with all that found time?

One smart option would be to spend more time with my friends. A series of studies researching friendships and health over time have found that friendships have a stronger affect on our health as we age than family does.

It's important to remember that the effect goes both ways: So toxic friendships can stress us out and affect our health adversely just as easily as happy friendships can give us a boost in our lives when we need it the most.

Most parents have a hard time mixing friends into the mix of their new families - it's difficult to balance baby and work and sleep and time with your spouse and friends. Because of that, friends fall by the wayside...but they are still there. True friends are still there for when you are ready to pick up right where you left off.

How do you make time for your friends? Tell me in the comments.

The friends we drift away from

My son is at the peak of his imagination game years - the years in which your best friend is the person who will pretend to be a Pokemon with you and then join into a fight with Bowser that is filled with explosions. (Side note: Children would make excellent improv artists, except that they have difficulty taking suggestions from outsiders.)

But sometimes we have to remind our son of the basic tenets of playing with others, like "learn names" and "seriously, you need to introduce yourself." I am sure this will get better with time. And while I enjoy watching his social life develop, the one thing I don't think I will be prepared for is the first friendship breakup.

Let's think this through: How many of you childhood friends do you still have? And I mean the type of friends that you regularly hang out with and speak to, not the ones who you keep up with via social media only. The numbers are pretty low, and even more interestingly, most of us lost those friendships at a crucial transition point in our lives. Friendships in which children were really different from one another (in interests, academics or otherwise) become doomed across the threshold years. So, it is harder to hold onto a friendship between elementary school and junior high, or between junior high and high school; there are too many influences around to break those apart.

While that all makes a lot of sense from the safety of my desk, I remember how hard it was to recognize that a friend and I had grown apart. And I imagine it will be just as hard to watch my son go through that as well - even if the act of breaking off relationships is actually a healthy part of life.

Do you still regularly hang out with any of your friends from seventh grade? Tell me how close the friendship still is in the comments.

The effects of PBS (Parental Blindness Syndrome)

You are in the grocery store.

In front of you is a Mom and her son. He is jumping up and down, repeatedly saying her name, grabbing items off the impulse rack that she then has to wordlessly return, and genuinely showing some bratty behaviors. And she is calmly ignoring it all.

Of course she is ignoring it all: She is a pro at that. Parents have to develop a way to drown out their children's annoying behaviors or they will drive themselves crazy responding to them.

I like to think of this as Parental Blindness Syndrome. I know my child is a good person and working on certain behaviors, so I will turn a blind eye to the less desirable ones and not nitpick at him for every little thing.

But there are times when PBS can get us into trouble: Like when it comes to our child's health.

In a small study, which should be expanded for verification, doctors found that grandparents and other family members were better than parents at identifying the symptoms of autism at a very early age. It's true: Those family members one-step removed from the parental relationship were able to see the symptoms that parents did not.

Since one of the keys to fighting autism is early intervention, this is pretty big news.

It can be hard to listen to anyone criticize your children (if not downright impossible). But since we already have a blind eye; we should work to make sure we don't have a deaf ear as well.

Do you have family members who point out flaws in your children? Tell me how you feel about that in the comments.

Making the case for regular friendships

My son has an ever-rotating list of people whom he calls his best friend. One week it is a certain child in his class, the next week it is the kid who waits at the bus stop with him and then the week after that it will be someone in his scouts pack. For the most part, I am fine with this: As long as he is nice to everyone that is enough basis for a friendship for a seven-year-old.

Friendships have plenty of time to get more complicated as we get older. In fact, friendships mean so much to our lives that the lack of them could seriously affect our health. In this great first-person article, the author confronts the fact that parenthood has taken away all his time for friendships and he has had to figure out a way to get them back.

I think the story on that link is incredibly common - most parents (including me) seem to disappear from their friends' lives as they figure out the parenting thing. Then as the children get older, we have to figure out if we are going to find friends again or continue on as though our children are our friends. (Hint: you should find your own friends.)

The trouble with this is making the time to do it, but evidently, it can be done. One secret (especially for men) is to have a shared activity.

So, the question becomes: What do you and your friends do to make time for each other? Tell me your secret formula in the comments.

The price of fame

I don't ever want to be famous. Not that anyone is actively offering this as an option for me, but fame is not on my short list. There seems to be an undercurrent thread of heartbreak and downward spirals often associated with being a celebrity (at least according to all those Behind the Music episodes I watched and all those news stories on former child stars). I aspire to live a quiet life with my family and friends.

And I understand that not everybody wants that life. Still, it was somewhat surprising to read that a lot of young people want to be celebrities so badly that they would give up their family, spouses and even forgo having children.

Which makes me wonder: If you give up everyone to have it all, who are you enjoying your life with? 

I know lots of families (including mine) that emphasize togetherness, education and hard work, hoping that those are the values that children keep when they grow up. I wonder what the magic formula is to make those concepts stick for the long run.

Do you ever want to be famous? Tell me in the comments.

The types of friends we keep

Every night at dinner, I ask my son about his favorite part of the day. Sometimes he will tell me about a class; usually he will tell me about lunch or recess. When I ask him who he played with, I've noticed that the names of who he counts as his "best friend" varies from week to week.

These cats are all besties.

I went to a very small school and there were not a lot of children in our class. So, we were all friends. Sure there were times when we didn't get along and fought, but we all had to work through that because there were limited options of who else we could play with.

All of the varying "best friends" my son has, made me start thinking about the types of friendships that I continue to have today. I recently stumbled on this research positing that we only make three types of friendships:

• tight-knitters (you have one group of friends who all know each other well)
• compartmentalizer (you have separate groups of friends divided by function)
• sampler (you have one-on-one friends who probably don't know each other)

It's hard to tell if this research all pans out yet. And, I know that it is far too early to tell what type of friendships my son will tend to make throughout his lifetime, but it is something that I'd like to keep in the back of my head. (Mostly, so I don't create issues when scheduling birthday parties.) For now, I want him to focus on making all sorts of friends.

What type of friendships does your child tend to make? Leave a note in the comments.

Would you miss the color blue?

In one of the best pranks I know, you leave out a bowl of M&Ms. Unbeknownst to others, you place a smattering of Skittles directly underneath the M&Ms. Most people who eat M&Ms (at least in my friend circle) do so by the handful. So, all you have to do is wait for your victims to grab a handful of candy and shove them into their mouths, releasing a strange mix of chocolate and tangy fruit all in one go.

The confusion that appears on their faces is priceless.

It's a mostly harmless prank, but it works because you can find M&Ms and Skittles in roughly the same shades of color.

But that may not be true for much longer.

In a recent long piece by the New York Times, more and more food companies are searching for all-natural food coloring substances - including the folks at Mars Incorporated (which owns both M&Ms and Skittles). The hardest part for companies that are making the switch to all natural colors? Making the color blue. It turns out that some natural ways of making blue change the taste of our favorite candies.

But here's the thing: We didn't always have the color blue in our M&Ms. And that was OK. Do we really need blue food? I mean, my candy prank would still work without blue M&Ms.

What's your favorite M&M color? Tell me in the comments.

Will my real friends please stand up?

When we are children, life is simple: We divide our lives into things we like and things we don't like. Candy is wonderful; vegetables are not. Summer fun is the best thing ever; school is a chore that is dealt with. People we know are either friends or not friends.

It turns out that last one is still true in adulthood.

Before I had a child, I considered myself a woman who took her friendships very seriously. I knew my friends' birthdays, likes, dislikes, favorite movies and private moments. After childbirth time moved differently - and because I couldn't devote as much time to my friendships my relationship bar was set a little lower. Now, if someone relates to me when I tell a story around the struggle of motherhood, we are on our way to being buddies.

But I still consider those friendships to be real, just as I consider my work friendships to be a real thing. (I have, after all a best friend at work, who became my BFF because I told him that was what we were and he readily agreed.)

If this all sounds a little crazy, that's OK: Friendships, it turns out, are hard to explain and maintain. The issues stem around the fact that none of us have the same definitions of what makes a friend, so none of us are classifying each other the same way. When we are little a best friend is someone who shares their toys (even the really cool ones), but as we get older the requirements are a little hazier. (Do you consider your bestie to be someone you share life moments with or just a few really important moments...hard to decide.)

So we categorize. And we re-categorize. And we find ourselves in a situation where we have best friends where we didn't realize and friendships that have fallen by the wayside.

I think the point of all this is that you need to talk to someone about life, so pick a few people that you trust and go for it.

Who is your best friend? Tell me in the comments.