Figuring it out as you go

My son had a terrible migraine last week after school. He has only ever had two migraines before, and I don't think he remembered having them, as he was clearly in a lot of pain and had no trouble telling me that he felt "like he was dying."

I gave him some medicine, placed a cool compress on his face, dimmed the lights and held his head in my lap. He was so helpless in that moment and just wanted his Mom. It made me think of all the other times in his childhood when he needed me, like all those cluster feeding nights when he was a baby, or the first time he got a bloody nose and we sat on the bathroom floor while I was telling him a story to try and calm him down, or when he had a fever dream when he was sick and we had trouble waking him up.

All those instances are not part of his long-term memories (I asked him later on and got a confused look), so I wonder if this incident will make the cut. What I am thankful for is this time of my son's life, when he can clearly tell me what is wrong.

I loved my son as a baby, but when there was something wrong with him, I would get frustrated. I would get frustrated because he couldn't tell me, and so I would have to look up his problem in a baby book and I wasn't even sure if I was diagnosing him correctly. That was the nerve-wracking bit of parenting a baby - not being able to trust your instincts and not being able to trust a book, either.

But, most of us feel that way. Even now when my son can talk to me and there is no good book to reference for this time of his life (they always stop at toddlerhood) I am never 100 percent sure that I am doing this Mom thing right. On the other hand, my son is happy and healthy and a good person.

Maybe, like most parents, I should keep trusting my gut.

Who do you get reliable parenting advice from? Tell me in the comments.

That time you became your Mother

I adore my Mother.

She is witty, funny, snarky, kind, wise and a fantastic parent. All the things I want to be in life. She inspires me and challenges me and checks in on me. You'd like her.

I know that I sound like her on the phone (it confuses my poor Step-Dad sometimes) and my husband has called out instances in which I've "sounded just like my Mother." He has meant both in voice and in phrases I've used.

And that makes sense: We all start to become our parents in our early thirties. Or, more specifically, we start to become our parents when we become parents. Having little ones underfoot is when we start to notice our physical and mental characteristics start lining up with theirs.

Think about the first time you ever heard yourself saying one of those "Mom" phrases to your child (Because I said so...)

I, for one, am embracing all my Mom-like characteristics. I think they just help me be a better parent overall.

When's the first time you felt you were turning into your parent? Tell me in the comments.

Learning from my mistakes

One of the main reasons I do this blog is so that I learn: I learn what other parents are doing, what the experts say parents should be doing, and from my own mistakes. It's often hard for me to see the mistakes I am making in the moment, so I need a way to write them out, think them through and try to remember not to repeat them.

And, as a parent, I have learned one very important thing: We all make a lot of the same mistakes.

It's painful to think about them: The times I let my son down, the times I thought I was doing the right thing but I wasn't, or the times I just didn't know what to do in the moment.

I tell my son that he should learn from his mistakes, because I truly believe that is possible - you just have to go through the (sometimes painful) process of analyzing them.

I'm not perfect. I know that. I tell my son that I don't expect him to be perfect either. But, we should all be trying to be better.

What is a parenting mistake you are trying to learn from? Tell me in the comments.

The parenting tricks you learn on the job

I have several Mom friends who have children much older than my son, and I love to listen to them talk. They talk about the new hobbies that their children have, or the ways that they are navigating their child's education or they talk about the deep conversations they have with their children on grown-up topics.

I listen and I learn.

I love listening to the wisdom of these other parents, and they are a huge source of parenting tips and tricks I've received over the years. And, of course, I pass on my own parent tips and tricks to my friends with younger children.

Because this is a thing that all parents do: Share our collective wisdom.

It is an interesting sidebar, however, to consider that the collective wisdom of parents has drastically changed over the generations. We may not be sharing information about domestic chores anymore, but we are definitely swapping tales of screen time rules and defining shortened text speak for each other.

The good news is that we keep the clever tricks that we remember our own parents using with us. Of course, this all makes me wonder what tips and tricks my son will pick up from these days of his life and use with his own children one day.

What's your favorite parenting trick? Tell me in the comments.

It's allergy season...for teenagers

I know it is Spring: My car is covered in hyper-yellow pollen and my son and I have started to take our allergy medicine more seriously than in the other months. I used to think that he wasn't going to develop allergies, but a quick glance at his puffy eyes and runny nose has me breaking out the children's medicine so he can dry up and get back to bike rides.

My son is at a fun age. It's one where he is starting to wonder if our family is like other families, but one in which he still likes spending time with my husband and I. That means a lot to us. We love the game nights, his company on weekend errands and all the connective moments in between. I try to stay fully present for those moments, because I know they will not last forever.

I know that one day my son will become allergic to me.

Not quite allergic in the way we are with Spring now, but allergic in the sense that almost everything I do will irritate him. While this article is a poignant reminder of why the search for our own identity is difficult for all parties involved to go through, it is still hard to think about that future. Yes, my son will be trying to figure out which values he will take forward into his life and which ones he will reject. And I get that. But being rejected is never easy.

"Childhood is when we learn how to act in adulthood," my son says as he brushes his hair in the bathroom. Did I teach him that? It sounds like something I would say, and it is definitely true, but it sounds harsh. "Childhood is also when we learn what makes us happy," I tell him. I hope that message sinks in as well. He smiles and gives me a kiss and asks me to play UNO.

Of course I say yes. I say yes and hopes he remembers that when he is out there finding himself as a teenager, I will still love him. And I will still want to play UNO.

What values of your parents did you want to reject when you became a teenager? Share with me in the comments.

WIll this be on the test?

Sometimes my son's school will send home an announcement that indicates there is a round of standardized testing going on. More often than not, this message is brief, includes only an anagram of the name of the test (so that I get to look it up online later), and then asks that children get a good night's sleep before the test and that we parents encourage them to do their best.

It's not helpful, is what I am saying.

Besides the fact that I have to look up what the test is for, my son never wants to talk about the testing. It turns out that his reaction is completely fine, as this article on testing reminders lets me know.

The first tip on the list is one that I know we struggle with: Slowing down. My son wants to get the test over with, so he tends to plow through it and not check his work. This leads to mistakes (of course) and then he gets upset with himself when he makes mistakes on things that he knows. He knows the answer to this problem is for him to slow down and check his work, but I am not sure when he will actually be able to build that into a habit on his own.

For the most part, my son does fine on tests. And while that is all good and dandy now, I recognize that at some point he will need to learn how to prepare for them more as he gets older - whether that is studying more, relaxation techniques or just a healthy attitude.

I just hope that when we get to that point, the school will be better about explaining the tests to parents so we understand what our children are up against.

How many standardized tests does your child take in a year? Leave the number in the comments. 

The former girly-girl raising a boy

I was a bit of a girly-girl when I was little. (That's me in the bonnet at the top of the page.) I wore dresses every day to school, my socks had little ruffles, pink was my favorite color, I owned a plethora of Barbie dolls and my room looked like Laura Ashley exploded in it. My life goals included becoming a ballerina.

Was part of this my Mother's doing? Probably. (Also: Sorry, Mom!) I don't remember being involved in a lot of the dress or design choices. But I did like pink.

I have an older brother, so I had a vague sense of what boys were like. I distinctly remember thinking: Mostly gross.

But now I am a Mom to a little boy. And, for the record, he is not gross. He is chaotic, and smart, and silly (even with all the potty humor) and fun. But, sometimes I don't know how to relate to him and all his...boyness.

So, I watch other Moms of boys very carefully, and I see what they do to connect with their sons. Because I have a feeling that some of them were once girly-girls, too.

In thinking about my different experiences growing up, I came across this series of articles on How to Raise a Boy. And I am fascinated. The articles on guns, violence, sex, responsibility, respect and video games are like a laundry list of everything I've wondered about...topics that were not necessarily covered in my girl upbringing.

Of course, like all parents, I know that my son doesn't come with an instruction manual. Some of the advice I read will stick; other advice will fall short. But the point is that I keep learning more about this amazing little guy and try to keep up with him at every phase.

What advice do you have about raising a boy? Tell me your tips in the comments.

Now I know what that book was about

This is how I know my Mother reads my blog:
Last month I wrote about our inability to remember the content that we binge - especially books. Last week she sent me a link about how to fix that.

Thanks, Mom!

The answer is deceptively simple because it suggests you to take breaks and reflect upon what you've just read. That's it. Just read; pause; think; repeat.

There are other tips as well, like reading while we are rested and taking notes, but the main tip is still the easiest to implement. If you are going to read, take moments to think about what you are reading.

While that is good to know, I wonder how I can help my son build this habit into his reading time, without me asking him a ton of questions and interrupting him as he devours another book. Ideally, he will eventually be able to do this for himself, but I have to start somewhere.

So I made a list:

• Modeling good behavior. I'm going to let him see me thinking over what I just read when we read together. (Parents love to model good behavior, so this should be easy.)
• Check in on him when he reads with one of those lists of questions that makes me feel like I am giving him a reading assignment. (What's the main character doing that you like? How would you change the story? What is the best moment so far?)
• Keep him focused on one thing at a time. We don't read while we do any other visual activities. We even have a special reading spot and cozy blanket to keep ourselves calm and quiet. I just have to keep in mind that this spot - while distraction free - can work too well and hours will pass before I leave it.

So, I will try these tricks and see which ones I can get my son to adopt. After all, parents have such little free time for things like reading - shouldn't we remember what the point of the story was?

What are your tips for better reading comprehension? Share them in the comments where I will read and reflect upon them. 

That daily twinge of parental guilt

I've finished tucking my son into bed, told him that I've loved him and am about to turn off the light when he tells me that I am the best mom ever. It's a sweet statement that gives him extra kisses and cuddles and reassurances from me that I just try to be the best mom for him that I can be, and I am glad that I did a good job that day.

Then, I leave the room and immediately start thinking through all my interactions (or lack of interactions) with my son that day. And by the time I am downstairs again, I have convinced myself that I need to be a better mom tomorrow.

Parental guilt. It's an awful thing. And it's universal: At least one study suggests that parents feel more than 20 guilty moments a day. (That number might be low.) For example, my range of guilty thoughts at this very moment include the following:

• It was a beautiful day and I didn't take my son to the park
• I dragged him on an errand with me that I could have done earlier in the week on my own
• I missed watching his swim class today because I had too much scheduled for us
• I am already late getting dinner started, so we are going to eat later than I'd like
• Eating later means that we might not have enough time to play a board game before bed

And I could probably go on if I let myself.

But that's the thing: I try really hard not to let myself. Because it is far too easy to start mom-ologuing my faults to myself. And that helps no one.

Instead, I think I will do as my son does and accept myself with my flaws and just try to be the best Mom I can be every day.

What parental guilty thought is dragging you down? Unburden yourself in the comments. 

When you can't change the channel for them

Long ago, in a time we refer to in our household as BC (before child), my wonderful husband made the entertainment system very simple for me to use. No matter how many new devices and consoles were hooked up, he ensured that there was one remote to rule them all. And, even better, the various functions were all labeled clearly, so I could pick the right activity at the push of a button.

And there was peace throughout the land.

Of course, this simplicity also meant that in the age of AC (after child), our son figured out how the entertainment system in our household worked. I recall telling him once that he could watch a movie and before I could go upstairs to help him access it, he was already flipping through the age-appropriate movie list we had made for him.

This, of course, has led to several followup conversations around the rules in our household, and how he is not permitted to access the streaming services on his own, or if he is already watching one, leave his profile.

Because, as most of us have determined already, a lot of the streaming services fail when it comes to parental controls.

Sure, when they are young, they will stay in their profiles, or not stray to far from their playlists, but when they get a little older and wonder more about adult content...well, then it becomes a problem.

So, I have to ask for advice around potential future issues: How do you monitor your child's access to content on a streaming service? Please share your policies and progress in the comments.

Staying in tune with Mommy

I do not sing very well.

I am OK with this state of being, and have no need to torture friends and family members at karaoke or spontaneously start singing during conversations as though life were a musical. (Full disclosure: I love musicals.)

Despite my lack of talent, however, I did find myself singing to my son when he was a baby. It was usually during the middle-of-the-night feeding, where I would alternatively mix between a few soft rock songs that I actually knew most of the words to and a song that I made up with whatever I was thinking about at the moment.

I sang to my son, just as all Mothers apparently do. And that is good, because the singing provides benefits to both the baby and the Mommy. A singing mother gives the baby much-needed sensory interaction, both as an auditory stimulant (even when off-key) and visual (babies gaze at their Mommies when they sing). A singing Mommy helps a baby focus.

For Mothers, the act of singing to their babies helps fight off postpartum depression - giving them a bond with their little one that they may need. So, even if you can't sing, don't be afraid to sing to your baby - they are the least judgemental audience you could ever ask for.

What song did you usually sing to your baby? Share with me in the comments.

The obsession over parenting

I (clearly) read too many parenting articles. I read them because I enjoy them; I read them hoping to learn something new; I read them for this blog. So, when I saw an article around the American obsession with parenting, I had to click on it.

It wasn't what I thought it would be. I was hoping for an explanation of why I am so compelled to read stories about other parents and what they are doing and how I can incorporate what they know into my life. What the article mostly covered was a discussion on how middle- to high-income families are able to apply widely published parenting tricks faster than their lower-income peers.

Don't get me wrong: The article is an interesting read, but the title made me wonder more about my own parenting skills more than anything else. I think that I am like a lot of parents that way - always wondering if my child's behavior is normal or why other parents don't seem to have the same problems that our family has.

I know that I am not alone with my struggles as a parent, even when it still feels that way. So, I read articles, and I trade stories with other parents, and I hope that in the end the kid will be alright.

Are you always wondering about your own parenting skills? Tell me in the comments.

From joy to anger to snark

It's hard for me to look at my son now and imagine the swirling mass of hormones that he will become one day. It is equally hard for me to think about the time that he will not need me around anymore (but still want me there, like a plant). But, those days are coming, whether I like it or not. So, I guess that it is good for me to start reading articles on teenagers now to mentally prepare myself (well, as much as any parent can prepare themselves) for the inevitable.
One area of his future self seems very familiar to me: Emotional triggers. Parents see their teens' emotions swing from one state to the next quickly, but what they don't see is how their own behavior can be interpreted as negative by their teenager. And since parental negative behavior is often a catalyst, it can set off a teen's own emotional spiral.

So, basically, my son will have the same mood swings that he does now (from joy to anger to snark in six seconds), but he'll do a slightly better job of recognizing the catalysts.

Really interesting though, is the difference between Moms and Dads. If Mom misidentifies her teen's anger, then the teen will usually storm off. If Dad misinterprets the anger, however, the teen is much more likely to respond aggressively.

While this is a unique division of the sexes, it does not let Dads off the hook for the trials of dealing with teenagers.

For now, I will take things one day at a time with my still-a-child son and try to help him identify all the emotions he experiences that lead to the big blowout.

Do you think your teen misinterprets your behavior as overly negative? Tell me in the comments. 

Getting rid of the term "tomboy"

My Mother put me in a dress almost every single day. (And looking back over family photos, a large number of them were plaid...) My room was done in a very flowery Laura Ashley pattern (wait - weren't all Laura Ashley patterns flowery?) and my favorite color was pink. I had lots of My Little Ponies and baby dolls and Barbies. I was sometimes referred to as a girlie-girl.

Sorry, Mom. I understand that frogs should stay outside now.

But, I was also a tomboy - or at least that is what people said I was. I climbed trees, tromped through the woods, played with my older brother and his friends, and tried to catch tadpoles in the creek to raise into frogs (about that last one - Sorry, Mom!)

In short: I was a girl. Just a normal girl with interests that varied throughout her childhood. I didn't actually need to be labeled with terms like "girlie-girl" or "tomboy," because most girls have a wide variety of interests. And none of that should be shocking.

There is a beautiful, insightful talk by Christopher Bell called Bring on the Female Superheroes that makes me wonder how much different my life would be if my son were born a girl, yet had all the same interests that he has today. Would I still encourage him the way I do now. Would I be the parent he deserves?

What are your child's interests? Do you spend enough time supporting them? Tell me in the comments.

Morality is very black and white (for children)

Like most parents, we are constantly reviewing the difference between good and bad decisions with our son. This usually happens at the dinner table. "Tell me something good about today," I prompt my son. This is followed by the less well-received, "Did anything bad happen today that you want to talk about?"

Pictured: Thor's original hammer of justice.

Sometimes I get answers. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes, it's complicated.

At least, that is what I thought. My son has a different idea about morality: He lives in a world of black and white moral decisions. To him, the right choice should also be the easiest choice to make.

Now, science doesn't have all the answers as to when we are able to make more complex moral choices (ones where there are extenuating circumstances or those in which temptation plays a key role). That seems to be something we learn through experience along the road to adulthood.

So, I will try to keep that in mind the next time my son actually talks about something bad that happened in his school day. I need to remember his point of view, but still teach him to see the bigger picture.

To sum this all up: If you haven't seen this video of the toddler's answer to the famous trolley ethics problem, you should watch it now. It perfectly illustrates how children view morally tough decisions.

You are probably doing timeouts all wrong

The last time I put my son in a timeout, I told him to go to my room. This was because every time he has been sent to his room, he still has plenty of fun distractions in there and he doesn't seem to mind as much, so it didn't really feel like he was getting the point of timeouts.

It turns out, I might not be getting the point of them either.

I was not consistent in my use of timeouts, and that is a mistake that a lot of parents make. Sometimes parents give up on the concept completely, which is a shame, as they are considered to be an effective element of the parental toolkit. Timeouts are so effective, in fact, that the reason we do not see more research done on them is because the research that was already done on them has been so conclusive and thorough, that nobody wants to continue to study them.

But, new parents need to know how to use timeouts correctly, so here is how science tells us that timeouts are effective:

• Timeouts are for 2- to 6-year-olds
• Timeouts should be tied to certain behaviors only - not as a response to all behaviors
• Timeouts should be issued consistently in response to the negative behaviors
• Give one warning (and only one warning) that lets your child know that they will next get a timeout - unless the kid is hitting, then timeout should be the immediate response
• Two to five minutes is plenty

It all looks so simple, yet it is so hard to do consistently. Most parents get stuck as they let timeouts be the catch-all response and don't tie it to one or two things at a time.

As my son is now six, we've had to move onto the next big item in the parenting toolkit: Removing privileges. I may need to go look up the research on that one, as I am probably doing it wrong, too.

Are you using timeouts correctly? Tell me in the comments. 

Roaming away from home

When I was little, I had set parameters for how far I was allowed to go in my neighborhood unsupervised. Of course, "unsupervised" is a loose term here, because there were always people sitting on their front porches in our small town, but the point is that my parents were not expected to constantly hover over me. And that was great for me, because sometimes I wanted to get in some swing time and my parents didn't have to take me to the local park.

Oh how times have changed.

Sociologists are starting to study why we have become a society that believes our children are not safe. One are of focus has been around the availability heuristic. This is the idea that if we can recall a horrific event easily, we think it is more common than it actually is. (Think about all those missing children that appeared on milk cartons...putting the idea in every Mother's mind before breakfast was even over.)

It turns out that when we do hear about incidents of children being left alone, we also allow our own moral biases to color the incidents in our minds. In this study, researchers determined that we were more likely to forgive a parent for letting their child watch a movie alone for 20 minutes while a parent got work done versus a parent using that time to have an affair.

All of this research is good news: If we are able to change the conversation, maybe we will realize our children are safe. I want my son to explore the world, not be afraid of it. But, it is hard to encourage that when the world says he can't leave my backyard.

How much independent roaming of your neighborhood did you do as a child? Tell me in the comments.

Knowing your rights before becoming a mom

They say that the first few months of your child's life are some of the most important. They say that spending one-on-one time with your infant is necessary for developmental growth. They say that Mothers will be less likely to suffer from postpartum depression if they are able to connect with their babies.

But, what they don't say is how to meet all those needs if you are a working Mother.

I live in North Carolina, and although I am not planning on having any more children, it bums me out to learn that my state earned a D from the National Partnership for Women and Families in terms of its laws protecting maternity leave and other support for new parents. I am bummed for the woman who sits across from my cube at work who is about to go on leave and will have to return to her job sooner then she would like. I am bummed for the younger women on my team who talk about children "some day" and what it would be like to struggle with the work/family balance.

I hope that one day we can do better.

What grade did your state earn? Check out the results of the analysis and let me know in the comments. 

You gotta know when to push them...

My son gets a weekly allowance and dutifully puts the money into one of his jars. We've used the money in his Give jar a few times for donations to his school and other causes that he chooses. It's the Save and Spend jars that I am still teaching him to work with.

I think he understands the concept of the jars, but he doesn't have anything he is saving up for. Sometimes he will tell me that he is saving up for a Lego set, but when I follow up with him, he says he doesn't want it anymore.

So the money just sits there.

Which is probably why this past weekend, I told my son to take some money out of his spend jar and we would go to the store. Here's a list summary of what happened:

• He told me that he had more money in his jar, but he only brought $26, because that is all he "felt like spending"
• We wandered the aisles of the toy section for an hour
• I had to talk him out of purchasing something he already owned
• He ended up with a Nerf-style bow and arrow set
• The entire drive home, he kept saying, "I can't believe you let me buy a bow and arrow!"
• Me either.

Once at home, he got uber-frustrated by the bow and arrow set and the position of his thumb on the bow. We tried to help him, but he was so amped up, we all had to walk away from him. (Better to let him fail and then work it out on his own.) After a cooling-off period, he eventually got the hang of things so I could make the parental points that it takes practice to be good at something and that it is OK to fail.

Now, he claims that the set is his favorite toy.

It's hard to know when to push and when to walk away, isn't it?

Trying to stay put

We are about to move homes. Although my husband and I have moved lots of times together (we're experts at purging and packing), I've recently realized that this is the third time we've moved since having our son.

The first move, my son was 10-months-old so he doesn't remember it. The second move, he has some memories of, but they are vague. For this third move, he is really excited.

I think part of his excitement stems from us trying to involve him as much as possible in the process: He's visited potential homes with us, and he has been asked his thoughts about paint colors for his room (he chose black...which we had to talk him out of, but he was still asked). Even better: We are moving to a location which doesn't require him to change schools.

If all goes well, we'll be in the new house for a long time. This is great news for my family because moving is a pain (even for us "experts") and because there are lots of stresses associated with moving for children. Children who move frequently are often plagued with social problems, negative behaviors, and declines in reading and math scores - even if the move is to a better area. Interestingly, the study only followed kindergartners through eighth graders. (Maybe after that age, moves don't matter as much because children are in high school and have bigger stresses to deal with.)

That puts a lot of pressure on parents to stay put and consider delaying moving until it works for everybody.

What's your worst moving story? Tell me all the terrible details in the comments.