I have read lots of expert advice regarding phone use around children. This has covered everything from "put the phone away" to "seriously put the phone away and give your child your full attention." (There's not a lot of variety to the advice.)
We have grown accustomed to our phones, but sometimes we parents forget that we didn't start out this way - we've grown used to them over time.
So, it makes sense that our children need to get used to phones as well. I think about all the technology that surrounds my son every day and how it could potentially overwhelm him if we aren't careful about the way we introduce it.
For really young children, the best piece of advice I've heard is this: If you have to use your phone in front of your child, narrate what you are doing.
This is brilliant. I've watched a bunch of children's shows in my time, and they tend to have characters narrate whatever action is going on so that young ones can understand the link between the words and the actions, and then follow the plot. Statements like "let's look up the weather to see if we can go to the park before it rains," or "let's send a message to Nana for her birthday" are simple ways to let our young children understand why we are picking up the phone in the first place.
It's got to be easier than fully breaking the habit of picking up the phone, right?
Yes, it may feel silly at first, but I bet that if I started announcing my intended use of the phone, it would also help prevent me from just using it in moments of boredom.
And that has to be good for everyone, right?
Would you be able to start narrating your use of the phone in front of your child on a regular basis? Tell me how that would go in the comments.
There are a lot of movies and television shows in which the main character answers a ringing phone in the middle of the night. They sleepily listen to the emergency or funny story or give the life advice that is needed in that moment and then (somehow) immediately fall back to sleep.
I think about how improbable that scenario would play out for me, since my phone doesn't sleep in my room at night.
I know that lots of people use their phone for an alarm, or charge it on their nightstand, or - like my husband - sometimes need to keep it in the room because they are on call for their job. But I have an alarm clock, and a charging station outside of the bedroom and my job doesn't need me in the middle of the night. So, my phone isn't in my room while I sleep.
And I think it is fair that the same rule will apply for my son when he gets a phone: The device should have a place to rest outside of his room. I don't want it to interrupt his much needed sleep with alerts and messages like it does for so many other people already.
I know that things will change. I am sure that when he wants to go out with friends late at night that I will keep my phone by my bedside in case he needs to call. And I am OK with that exception. I would still expect that on most nights the phone and I sleep in separate rooms. It's an easy habit to build so we can all get some better sleep.
Where does your phone sleep? Tell me in the comments.
I am enjoying the new feature on my phone that tells me how much I've used it that week. I like to see it go down, and it makes me think through my actions over the course of a week when it goes up (did I play too many games? was this the week I started a group text with my team?)
It's a little odd that I am relying on my phone to tell myself that I am using my phone more infrequently, but I'll take it. I would like for my dependency on my devices to go down.
And, at the same time, I would like my son to never develop bad phone habits, especially after seeing that they are changing our children's brains. More specifically: Their memories and other cognitive abilities.
ACK!
That news is hard for my son to understand. He just knows that he wants to play Minecraft or another fun game on his iPad. He has no idea how much time passes as he plays; he only knows it always feels like it is too soon.
So, I do what most parents do: Keep my eyes on the research and encourage my family to do other things. Things that don't involve a screen.
What do you encourage your family to do instead of screen time? Tell me in the comments.
Like most school districts, ours encourages parents to keep up the learning activities over the summer. While I want my son to have new adventures and enjoy his break, I am doing my best to keep up our end of the bargain.
Here's what we are doing to engage his brain during the summer:
- Lots of reading time. This one is easy for us, since my son and I read all the time, but I am going to include it. I've been dragging him to the library and encouraging him to try out new book series and not just read the same books over and over again. He doesn't realize I'm doing this. Please don't tell him.
- Handwriting practice. My son has to practice his handwriting every day. He doesn't like this. He does it anyway.
- Math skills. I ask him to do math in his head all the time. He is smart enough to catch on that I could do the math in my head, but I think he secretly likes giving me the answer. I'm also encouraging him to help keep score when we play games together so he has to add up points at the end of the rounds.
- All those camps. Most of the camps we signed our son up for this summer encourage him to do something he has never done before - be it whitewater rafting or doing a service project at the local nursing home. Putting him in an unfamiliar situation is definitely keeping his mind active.
But, it is still summer, so I am still trying to be mindful of the magic of that time. So, yes, we are more lax with screentime in the evenings and we are giving him plenty of downtime. The hope is that he will look back at this summer as one of fun and adventure. And, that he will be comfortable back in the classroom when the summer is over.
What items are on your child's summer homework list? Tell me in the comments.
I try my best to keep my phone at bay when I am present with my son. This includes ignoring the noises that it makes and the list of things I don't know in the moment that I want to look up. But, I can say that I am more fully engaged in things like dinner time, games and other family-based activities.
This is not easy, and it is definitely a habit that I've build up over time. Thankfully, my son is old enough that he can weigh in on the subject and tell me if he thinks I shouldn't be on the phone. (Happily, this statement doesn't come out of his mouth very often).
I read a lot about technology's interference with relationships, especially families. And yes: It is damaging.
Trying to capture another adult's attention when they are staring at their screen - even if they are just looking something up really quickly or answering a text - is frustrating. So, I can't imagine how frustrating it is for a child to try and get their parent's attention. Unfortunately - as most parents know - when our children want our attention, they will act out to get it.
And who can blame them?
What rules do you have about the use of your devices during time spent with family? Share them in the comments.
I call my son for dinner, but there is no answer. He hears me (I know he can hear me, because he is sitting a few feet away), but I am not sure if my words actually register. I take a deep breath and call him again. Still no response.
I stand right next to him. He is playing a video game. This is why he doesn't answer me. To him, my voice is just background noise and the game is all that matters. I am something that can be ignored.
I take another deep breath and put my hand on his shoulder. I ask him to pause the game and am met with a desperate reply, "There isn't a pause button on this! Just let me finish this round."
What? No pause button? What kind of a dumb game is he playing?
It's painful enough as a parent to vie for your child's attention when they are eyeballs-deep into an electronic device. It is about a zillion times more annoying when you ask them to turn it off and they ask to finish whatever level they are on. Multiply all that by an even larger number when you hear that there is no pause button.
Because now there are two options:
- Let them finish the round. (But this means you will have to stand there and make sure they don't forget that they are supposed to stop and that they actually finish after this round.)
- Or make them turn it off in the middle of whatever they are doing, which will earn you dagger stares throughout dinner.
To all video game designers: I hate that you took away the ability to pause a game.
Like many parents, I use screen time as either a reward or a negative consequence for my son. He gets so sucked into his games. And I hate that they have such a strong hold on him. But I know that there will always be some type of technology that captures his attention more than I do. I don't like it but I am working to be better at accepting it.
None of that helps me with getting him to the dinner table faster. Is it too much to ask that he only play games that can be paused?
What video game is your child currently obsessed with? Tell me in the comments.
The screentime rules in our household are well known. My son knows them and tries to push the boundaries of them, but he follows them. Not a weekend has passed without him requesting that he use his screentime earlier in the day or that he gets more of it. Sometimes we let him know we are making an exception to the rules and give him what he is asking for, but usually the rule is the rule.
And I count myself lucky that we've started technology rules in our household while he is at an early age, because I couldn't imagine trying to introduce them later on. I feel like it is an easier task to establish the rules now and reassess them as he gets older.
I once thought that I would need to reassess the rules once a year and should write a reminder in my calendar, but it turns out I already have a reminder. My son has taken up the job of constant reminder of the rules and how they should change. Part of his ongoing negotiations for more screentime include his arguments of "now that he is older" or "now that school is almost over" or "now that he has a new game." Alas, Mommy is strong, and the rules remain.
I remind my son that we will reassess rules as he grows up, but not on the spur of the moment. So, I like reading about the rules for screentime that other parents use, as well as the ways to help assess screen use as children grow up. Because the truth is that every family is different, and we are all figuring out the "right" amount of screentime for our families as we go.
In the moments when he feels that the technology rules are unfair, my son likes to tell me that when he gets older, he will get to use his devices as much as he wants. I kiss him on top of his head when he says this and agree with him. I also hope that when he is older he decides to send me a message through them and tell me how he is doing.
How often do you re-assess the technology rules in your family? Share your guidelines in the comments.
My son loses screentime when he breaks one of our family rules. This is a consequence that he is aware of - if you were to ask him about it now, he would recite it. But it doesn't make the punishment any easier to accept; he hates losing his screentime.
On the days when my son doesn't have screentime, I have to remind him of all the things that he has in his life that don't involve a screen. Invariably, there will be some sort of fort structure that I have to navigate around to tuck him in at night, but he is happy to have built it.
Since he is still young, I am trying to teach him the lesson that there is more to life than what's on a screen. My goal is that he understands this over time (and despite the claims of his friends that they play video games all weekend), so that we can move onto the next lesson:
Self regulation.
I'm not sure how we are going to tackle that yet, but I imagine we are going to have to go through a lot more rules and set up new structures when he enters his teen years and has his own devices. Because those devices will allow him to do a lot of things - including online socializing.
The latest studies around teens socializing online shows that there is a sweet spot for online happiness that falls around 1 to 5 hours a week. Most of those teens that are spending more than 20 hours a week keeping up with their friends on their accounts are actually miserable. To me, five hours doesn't seem like a lot, and every child is different, but it is crucial to ensure that teens have the ability to self-regulate their use before they leave the house.
Then again, I know some adults who still don't have the ability to self regulate their time spent socializing online. I have also found that these are the same adults who are always saying that the weekend "flew by" and that they didn't have time to get anything done.
Maybe we all need a few refresher courses in how to regulate our screentime better.
How many hours a day do you think your teen spends socializing online? Share your guess in the comments.
Think about the teen movies you used to watch from the 80s to the 2000s. Try to name one without a teenage party of some sort taking place. I'll wait.
I am the first to admit that I don't have a wide knowledge of all the teen movies that came out in that time frame, but I can't think of one that doesn't have a major party scene or huge social event in it. At the very least is a major dance scene. (And everyone knows the steps.)
While I am a fan of angst and teen problems and great choreography, all of that is going to have to change. Modern-day teen movies (to be more realistic) are going to have to incorporate montages of teens chatting on their phones in place of major social events.
Teens just don't hang out the way they used to. If you are wondering who says that it is true, it is from the mouth of teens. The hours that they used to spend hanging out are now spent in academic or extra curricular pursuits. There's no free time to plan taking over another teenager's home for a giant party, or attending after school classes to learn the group choreography for the big scene at prom.
I'm not saying that school dances won't still happen, but I am curious if they are as big a deal as they used to be. And even though my movie repertoire currently consists of kids flicks, I'll be interested in seeing if teen movies start reflecting real life.
What's your teen's social life like? (Do you know?) Tell me in the comments.
We were at dinner in a restaurant.
It wasn't a special dinner or a fancy restaurant, just the three of us having a meal together before going to an event. After we ordered, as is our custom, I pulled out a pack of UNO cards and asked my husband and son if they wanted to play. They (as usual) said yes; we had several rounds of fun beating each other before the food came.
But I was terribly distracted during the game. I was distracted because at the table diagonal from us was a family of five (a mom, dad, and three children) and all of them were using devices. The light from the screens in the dark restaurant was lighting up their faces...and none of them were talking to each other.
The father did stop the server at one point and had a lengthy conversation with her about how he couldn't get onto the Wi-Fi network, but that was really the only person-to-person interaction. When their food came, most of them kept staring at their screens while they ate.
I am not perfect about keeping my device away from me when I don't need it. But, I would like to think that I do a good job of making sure that our family interacts with each other during the times we are together.
I thought a lot about that family as we drove away from the restaurant, and how maybe they had a long day together already and just needed a break, or maybe they spend all their dinners that way or maybe how their devices are so ingrained in their lives that they now have a fear of being away from their smartphones (here's a link with a quiz you can take if that sounds true for you.)
But then I thought about how grateful I am to have my guys with me, who are happy just playing UNO until the meal comes. And maybe, just maybe, another family is watching us at dinner and gets inspired to turn their devices off next time they go out.
What's a way you try to make your family dinners more fun? Share with me in the comments.
Like many parents, I constantly struggle with the right amount of screentime for my son. For the time being, we have settled into a comfortable groove and he knows what the rules are. But, every week when I read something new about children and technology use, I rethink all my decisions.
So, I was delighted to watch this TED Talk by Sara Dewitt, even though I knew it would force me into a questioning spiral. Since she is involved with PBS Kid's online programming, Sara has some unique insights into what children do when they interact with technology.
One thing that I was prompted to do after her talk was to start asking more questions. My son often plays games on his iPad and while I check in with him regularly, I don't ask enough questions. Sara reminded me that if I want my son to know that I care, I need to ask him questions about the games he loves best.
And, of course this works. Last night, my son brought me his iPad for some required updates and after I updated his games I started asking him about each one of them. He lit up immediately, and started telling me about his favorite part and what level he was at and what his goals were.
So, yes, sometimes it is good to be reminded that we need to insert ourselves into the world our children live in.
Do you ask your child about their technology choices? Talk to me about that in the comments.
In my fantasy life, I would have a treadmill in the family room where we keep the television. This way, if I wanted to watch tv, I would pair it with the treadmill and get more exercise in my life as I walked to watch.
But, that fantasy hasn't come true (yet).
I like that we have a television in our family room, which is not in the main area of our home. Keeping the television in that room is a very purposeful out-of-sight/out-of-mind act. And while my husband and I do have a tv in our bedroom, there is one place I don't ever want a tv: In our son's bedroom.
While I understand that a lot of parents put televisions in their child's bedrooms so they can play video games or watch their own shows, I feel like it makes my job as a parent harder. While there is not too much trouble my son could get up to now, would that case change as he became a teenager and has access to shows/games that I am unaware of? I feel like it is easier for me to say no to a private television now (and stick to those guns) than take a television out of his room later on.
My son has never asked for a television in his room, and if he did, I would remind him that we don't let him have any other devices stay in his room at night. Because the lesson I want my son to learn is that his bedroom is his sanctuary for rest and removing himself from the noisy world.
And that is really difficult to do with a television on in the background.
Did you have a television in your bedroom when you were a child? Tell me why you liked it (or didn't) in the comments.
Long ago, in a time we refer to in our household as BC (before child), my wonderful husband made the entertainment system very simple for me to use. No matter how many new devices and consoles were hooked up, he ensured that there was one remote to rule them all. And, even better, the various functions were all labeled clearly, so I could pick the right activity at the push of a button.
And there was peace throughout the land.
Of course, this simplicity also meant that in the age of AC (after child), our son figured out how the entertainment system in our household worked. I recall telling him once that he could watch a movie and before I could go upstairs to help him access it, he was already flipping through the age-appropriate movie list we had made for him.
This, of course, has led to several followup conversations around the rules in our household, and how he is not permitted to access the streaming services on his own, or if he is already watching one, leave his profile.
Because, as most of us have determined already, a lot of the streaming services fail when it comes to parental controls.
Sure, when they are young, they will stay in their profiles, or not stray to far from their playlists, but when they get a little older and wonder more about adult content...well, then it becomes a problem.
So, I have to ask for advice around potential future issues: How do you monitor your child's access to content on a streaming service? Please share your policies and progress in the comments.
Here's the problem:
When I was young, I was sent outside to play with my friends. We lived in a very safe neighborhood with two parks nearby and there were always other children playing outside.
I want the same scenario for my son, but although we live in a very safe community, there are no parks nearby. Also, he can't go outside alone. Also, most of the children in this neighborhood aren't outside playing either, so I would have to make arrangements ahead of time with their moms. Also, on weekends when we have the free time to arrange those things, we generally end up doing errands and want to spend time together as a family.
This problem is pretty much universal right now, and it is one of the main reasons why so many children spend their free time on their screens.
I talked about resilience last week, which is something that can definitely be learned on the playground, so I need to carve out time to head over there. But, I can't guarantee that other children will be at the park. And once, when we went to a park, we left early because all the children were sitting next to one boy who had a device. There they were, sitting around his phone screen, surrounded by swings and slides and a spider cargo net thingie...
This is probably my fault for not cultivating more relationships with other mothers in my son's classroom, but I feel that this should be easier. So, if you see me at multiple parks one weekend, don't worry. I'm just trying to figure out the peak park playtime schedule.
How far away is your neighborhood park? Tell me the distance in the comments.
"Mom, when can I get my own phone?"
This is a question that my son has asked me several times. I usually ask him why he wants his own phone, and he tells me he wants it to play a game or to use it to check traffic for me while we are in the car (he likes the Waze app). Very rarely does he mention that he wants it so he can call someone.
And, no matter what answer he gives me, my answer is usually the same: Most children his age don't need a phone and we can have the conversation again when he is older.
Like a lot of parents, I am waiting. I know that experts (whoever they are) say that you shouldn't give your child a phone until they are 13. And that makes sense, because that is technically the legal age for a lot of social media sites. But, I know a lot of parents have given their child a phone much earlier than that. So, I am waiting: I don't want my son to be the first child in his class with his own phone, but I don't want him to be the only kid in his class without one.
The smartphone - and all the social media apps it tends to bring - is a tricky subject. There is this great piece in The Atlantic outlining the correlations between the generation that has grown up with smartphone technology and its affect on their lives. The gist of the piece being that with smartphones, children no longer seek physical independence from their parents, suffer from loneliness more often and talk about their phones like they are an addiction.
That is not an easy article for any parent to read, even if it all turns out to be correlation and not causation. It does make me want to delay giving my son his first device for as long as possible.
What are the negative effects you've noticed from giving your child their own smartphone? Tell me in the comments.
When I was little (yes, I realize any sentence that starts out that way makes me instantly sound old, but I've made my peace with that), we watched Saturday Morning Cartoons. It was such a treat at the time - cartoons on television for hours and hours and hours. And we woke up early just to see them: Voltron, Snorks, Shirt Tails, whatever this thing was about, Looney Toons...my brother and I watched them all until Soul Train came on and it was time to get dressed and go outside.
And, looking back, a lot of what we watched was crap. But it was what we had. And we loved it.
This is a story that my son doesn't understand. Because he lives in a world in which he can access cartoons whenever he wants (as long as he has screentime). So, because there is so much content out there, I find it interesting to see what children want to watch when actually provided with options.
When my son was younger, he wanted to watch the movie Cars. And that's about it. We must have seen that movie 500 times. I can probably recite all the words to it. It's not unusual for children to get stuck on one favorite thing to watch over and over again (related: Sorry, Mom, about all the times I demanded to watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory). But now that he is older, his tastes in programming are really coming through. Gone are the days when children watch everything their friends watch - there's just too much content for that.
No, these are the days of algorithmically chosen content via YouTube Kids. If a kid likes a video, great...here are 10 more just like it that YouTube has chosen based off the content of the last one. No additional searching required. If a child didn't like the video, then there is always plenty more stuff to watch. Your child could end up watching 10 different videos that all basically have the same theme/plot/content.
And that is a deep rabbit hole to be sending children down. I guess in terms of variety it is good (or at least as good as the toy-based He-Man and She-Ra cartoons of my youth), but since there is no Soul Train to signal that it is time to go out and play, parents will still need to be around to turn the channel off.
What content does your child enjoy on YouTube? Tell me in the comments.
When I was in fifth grade, I left my lunch early every Wednesday to take a 40-minute piano lesson with Sister Ruth. She was a retired nun and there was an extra cell in the convent attached to our school that had a lot of windows and an upright piano. She was very kind, but I found the process of learning the piano to be painfully slow.
It was less than a year before I quit.
My wonderful husband has played musical instruments for most of his life and has always had an appreciation for music. I loved seeing our son try to play Daddy's guitar, so last year we got him a child-sized acoustic guitar for his birthday. We figured we would get him lessons later on, if he showed an interest.
And, I think my son is interested in learning how to play the guitar, but I have a fear that he will get turned off like I did if the pace of lessons or progress is just too slow. After all, he lives in a world where he has media-on-demand and dozens of other distractions. What is going to keep his focus on learning the correct finger positioning?
Then I found that there are a series of online tutorials that Fender produces specifically to help teach guitar to a digitally distracted crowd. They are a paid subscription, but they provide a more in-depth tutorial than what you might get with free YouTube videos of someone playing in their basement.
I know that Fender has their own agenda (they do sell guitars and gear, after all), but maybe this would be a good way to capture my son's interest. Couldn't hurt, right?
Does your child play an instrument? Is it something they have trouble keeping up with? Tell me in the comments.
My son is asking our Echo to tell him a joke. To be more specific, he is asking it to tell him a good joke. The joke it repeats doesn't live up to his standards, and after a few more attempts, he complains that "she doesn't even know a good joke from a bad one."
He kisses me and scoots off to play.
I try to teach my son about using devices smartly: He has limited screentime, he knows not to click on ads, he can't download apps himself, and he hasn't figured out that he can ask the Echo whatever he wants (he only asks for jokes, music and weather).
The subject I haven't really gone into depth with him is on his devices tracking him. I am not sure why I haven't yet. As a kid, he is pretty used to being monitored all the time, but this topic should be handled delicately: At least one study shows that children are a little more wary of toys connected to the Internet.
Frankly, I am OK with that. I think we should all be a little cautious before we put our lives out there for anyone to search. It's like I try to teach my son: Some things are good to share; other things you should keep to yourself.
Do your children play with toys that are connected to the Internet? Do they play with them differently? Tell me in the comments.
Like many parents, I struggle with my son's screentime. Sure, we have rules in place to limit the amount of time he has per day, but that is only a start. When we consider content that he is allowed to access, "play time" versus more educational materials, and his behavior upon learning his time is up (children have a hard time with the concept of how fast time can move), I find it is a subject that I need to revisit more often than I thought I would.
But, it is an important topic, so we revisit it often. The underlying issue is that children's use of screentime is still actively studied - meaning it is hard to pinpoint its long-term effects. I really enjoy reading all the latest research though, including this study about the effects of screentime on early language development.
Right now, I am testing out when our son is allowed to use his device: Does it make more sense for him to get to choose his time whenever he wants (which usually results in his using up all his time first thing in the morning) or have him wait to use the time in the afternoon (when he generally hits peak boredom)? We are trying out the latter scenario right now...let's see how this goes.
What limits do you place on your child's screentime? Tell me in the comments.
Last weekend, my son went to swim lessons. It had been three weeks since he had been, and on the car ride home he happily talked all about them. "It's good to get back to the routine of them," he said.
His simple statement made me remember how routines make up a great portion of our lives. So, yes, it is important to shake up our children's routines every once in a while, but it is fundamental that they have those routines to start with.
Getting enough sleep at night, eating at regular times and limiting screentime are all things that I make sure happen in my son's life. They are the simplest way I can contribute to his overall happiness. It turns out that these three things are also the simplest way that I can cut down on his risk of obesity. He has to have me set these rules in place so that he learns to follow them into adulthood.
Because, honestly, adulthood is where we mess up. There have been too many times in my life when I have not gotten enough sleep or eaten regular meals and had too much screentime (I work on a computer, so that last one is an unobtainable goal for me.) I need to practice these three good habits all the time, too.
Although those three things make up the basic rhythm of our household, I love all the little routines we have that make up our day. And my son is right: It is good to get back to them.
What's your favorite routine in your household? Tell me in the comments.
