We've had an action-packed month. Looking over all the activities we've completed while still going to work or school, I am sure that none of us have gotten enough sleep. There have been numerous nights in which I've looked at the clock and realized it was well past my son's bedtime. And there have been many other nights when I've looked at the clock and realized it was past my bedtime.
And that bums me out, because I know how important sleep is for all our health.
My son's schedule has shifted dramatically this year because his school start time changed, but we were really careful to ensure that he was still going to bed at a time he could still get around 9 hours of sleep. Nine hours sounds like a long, luxurious amount of time to an adult, but it is actually the minimum amount of recommended time for his age group.
There will be plenty of times in my son's life when he will not make sleep a priority: When he is up late hanging out with friends, or when he is cramming for a test in college, or when he is awake at night trying to get his own child to sleep. But for now, I should be the one to ensure he is sleeping enough.
That means that I have to pay attention to the clock. And maybe (hopefully) that will remind me to pay attention to the clock for myself so that I get to bed on time, too.
How many hours of sleep does your child get at night? Share the number in the comments.
I have always considered myself fortunate that my son was such an easy baby. He was a good eater, he was not really a crier and (most importantly to a new parent) he was a good sleeper. I wasn't sure how I ended up so lucky, but I definitely enjoyed it.
In fact, I've enjoyed every age my son has been (even ferocious three), and I've liked learning about all the different methods that parents come up with to help their children navigate the world (hence this blog). One of the most fascinating subjects to me is sleep - starting with sleep training methods in our infancy.
I think that sleep training falls into one of those weird categories for parents - things we didn't realize we had to teach someone. (Other items in this category include blowing your nose and how to work a toilet seat.) It just isn't on our radar - everything needs sleep and it doesn't ever occur to us that we need to teach someone to sleep on their own.
These days my family enjoys pretty uninterrupted sleep. While my son is still at the age where he has an occasional nightmare, he mostly sleeps at a regular schedule. I remind him that his schedule of sleep will be important for him to pay attention to throughout his life. I am not sure if that message sinks in, but one day (like all parents), he may learn not to take sleep for granted.
What did you find interesting about your child's journey toward a sleep schedule? Tell me in the comments.
There are a lot of movies and television shows in which the main character answers a ringing phone in the middle of the night. They sleepily listen to the emergency or funny story or give the life advice that is needed in that moment and then (somehow) immediately fall back to sleep.
I think about how improbable that scenario would play out for me, since my phone doesn't sleep in my room at night.
I know that lots of people use their phone for an alarm, or charge it on their nightstand, or - like my husband - sometimes need to keep it in the room because they are on call for their job. But I have an alarm clock, and a charging station outside of the bedroom and my job doesn't need me in the middle of the night. So, my phone isn't in my room while I sleep.
And I think it is fair that the same rule will apply for my son when he gets a phone: The device should have a place to rest outside of his room. I don't want it to interrupt his much needed sleep with alerts and messages like it does for so many other people already.
I know that things will change. I am sure that when he wants to go out with friends late at night that I will keep my phone by my bedside in case he needs to call. And I am OK with that exception. I would still expect that on most nights the phone and I sleep in separate rooms. It's an easy habit to build so we can all get some better sleep.
Where does your phone sleep? Tell me in the comments.
Our cat sleeps in between my husband and I. He put a blanket at the bottom of the bed for her, and she dutifully sleeps there most nights, and she enjoys the convenience of only having to wander up the bed to give me kisses on my cheek to wake me up and feed her.
This, of course, drives our son crazy because he would love nothing more than having the cat sleep in his bed. Or, since that is not an option (he can't convince our cat), of him sleeping in the bed next to me at night instead of my husband.
The day our son came home from the hospital was the day he slept in a crib in his own room. So, I can count on one hand the number of times I shared a bed with my son. I distinctly remember one of the times when he was about two years old and we were on vacation - he couldn't sleep and ended up sleeping on top of me as I lay awake all night. It was hot and humid and he and I were both out of sorts in the morning. I blamed it on the lack of sleep for both of us. The next night he went back to sleeping in his own space.
While I hear that co-sleeping works for some mothers, it wasn't something I wanted to try out. Sleep was so precious as a parent and so important for my toddler's growth. So it doesn't surprise me to learn that even sleeping in the same room as your toddler may have a negative effect for everyone involved.
Toddlers need to learn how to soothe themselves back to sleep. Toddlerhood is the time when parents are finally (hopefully) getting more sleep hours. My thought is that everyone should retreat to their separate rooms so that they will have better mornings in the long run.
How old was your child when you first moved them to their own room? Let me know in the comments.
Several of my friends have been talking about a recent study that clocked a parental sleep deprivation of six years after having a baby. They talked about how the study makes so much sense because they feel like they are never rested.
Yes, we were all told by well-meaning friends and family members that we would not sleep after the baby arrived - and we were as prepared for that as we could be. But this is the first time lots of people are talking about being sleep deprived until your child is in first grade.
Like most studies, this one focuses on averages. So Moms of newborns average 62 minutes of less sleep compared to pre-baby days. Moms of first graders averaged 20 minutes less sleep compared to pre-baby days. I don't doubt those numbers, but I do wonder what the average times are for years 1-5. Does the sleep deficit ramp down slowly?
When my friends were talking about these numbers, I did a little bit of gentle challenging: Didn't you just tell me an hour ago that you started getting up earlier to have some time to yourself in the morning? Or exercise? Or meditate? So the real question becomes: Are these parents not sleeping at night because of a direct interaction with their little one or because they want some time alone?
I guess that either way parents need a nap.
Do you sacrifice your sleep to get things done for yourself in the morning? Tell me in the comments.
Our son's school recently announced a change to its bell schedule for the next school year. Instead of starting at 9:15 am (which admittedly is a late start), they will be starting at 7:15 am.
I cannot overstate the push back this news received in my household.
My son was aghast, since 7:15 is the time he normally wakes up in the morning, and he began mourning the loss of his future sleep. He also started spouting my words back at me about how children need to make sure they get enough sleep every night, and that this change was going to ruin his ability to concentrate. (I only have myself to blame.)
My husband, quite rightly, pointed out that our morning and evening routines would need to be adjusted to meet this new schedule, and that he and I would probably have to get used to new traffic patterns on our way to work as a result.
The announcement included all the reasons the school wanted to make the change - and I do support the school in its reasoning - but I am still thinking about the sleep factor.
I think my son gets plenty of sleep right now, but if you ask him, he states that it is never enough. I often wonder if this is because I equate "sleeping" with "going to bed," and he is really laying there for a long time trying to fall asleep. I know that my husband has struggled with his own sleep rhythms for most of his life. While I can be sympathetic to that, I don't really know what it feels like for either of them.
So, I am trying to approach the changes to our schedules with an open mind. The last thing that I want is to negatively affect my son's sleep at such an early age. But it is hard to know the full impacts to any adjustments, since research is still so divided on how much sleep is enough.
I think this is one of those areas where we all have to learn how our bodies fit within the guidelines.
Do you know how many hours of sleep you need at night to feel rested? Tell me in the comments.
When my son was a baby, my husband and I didn't purchase a swing. We thought that we wouldn't need it, and we were very, very wrong. The daycare folks told us to look into it, since he enjoyed the swings there so much. He loved the one we got him at home, and we noticed that he slept better after a good bit of rocking in it.
Since then, my son has always loved swinging. To this day he rates playgrounds by how many swings they have available for all the children who want to swing.
The kid likes a good swing.
So, it wasn't surprising when we took him on a cruise and the first morning he exclaimed how much better he slept with the rocking of the boat putting him to sleep. This is something that I have experienced as well, although I am not sure I would ever want a rocking bed for adults.
I believe the findings on that small study on that link: Adults who slept in a rocking bed fell into deeper levels of sleep faster. I just can't picture how that would work in real life. What if you were a person who didn't like the rocking bed? Would that mean you may one day need a separate bed from your partner? Or what if you were sick? I am pretty sure I wouldn't want to be rocked to sleep then.
I think this study speaks more to the fact that we all need more sleep and we are starting to think of alternative solutions to get it. But, I can admire that: Sleep is good.
Did your child enjoy being rocked to sleep at night? Share in the comments.
I am traveling for work this week. I actually enjoy traveling for work, because it usually means meeting up with coworkers on the opposite coast, connecting with my amazing team, and having some fun nights out. But I am grateful that I don't have to travel all the time, because I know that it creates some chaos for my husband and son.
Here's the thing: They are perfectly fine without me. I know that. But, I also know that my family is like a well-honed team. We are used to our schedules and our time together at night throughout the week. My traveling throws a kink into that - especially when I am on the opposite coast.
One area that I know I impact? My son's bedtime routine. By being in a different time zone, his bedtime lines up to the same time that I am wrapping up my workday. And I am usually late, which means my son is usually late getting to bed.
It turns out that even if I am home, my working schedule has an effect on my son's overall sleep. Moms with tight working schedules are unable to keep their home schedules in check. And as we all know, our evening schedules - the time when we are getting together, trying to make dinner and finish homework - are the busiest time of a family's collective day. And that is the time we need preserve so that we aren't in a rush or running late and everyone can go to bed on time.
That is a struggle even for people with flexibility in their schedules.
But take hope: Regular bedtimes are the key (at least according to the study on that link.) If you can be consistent about your child's bedtime - even when your own work/life balance is in flux - you can erase the effects of all that rushing around.
Bedtime...it's always the key (for children and adults).
What do you dislike about your working schedule? Tell me in the comments.
My son loves to come home from school and tell me about other children in his class. He is at an age where children enjoy comparing their home lives, so I am used to hearing about what other kids get to do or have. I have listened to stories of children who have their own smartphones or children who get to stay up late and children that get to play video games all weekend.
I remind my son that I am not interested in other children's lives. I am interested in his. And then I had him read this article on what children need to perform their best:
- 60 minutes of physical activity every day
- No more than two hours of recreational screen time
- Nine to 11 hours of sleep every night
We talk about the requirements after he reads the article and he comments that he gets lots of sleep at night and lots of activity with recess and after school care. Then he sighs and says he understands why we limit screen time (but he still doesn't like it).
Move. Play. Sleep. It's such a simple mantra, but it's easy to forget in the pace of our everyday lives. It's one that I need to follow as well.
I should log off and go play with my son.
What is your family mantra these days? Tell me in the comments.
In my ever-constant fascination with sleep, I continue to read about our circadian rhythms and how it's not healthy to fight our own clocks. Of course, that makes the world a little harder for my bears that I live with, as the world is built to accommodate morning people like myself.
One thing I found in all my sleep research (that is a bit weird) was that morning people may have a lower risk for depression. While this study is not saying that every night owl will develop depression, it is also not heavy on the conclusions into why we larks tend to be at a lower risk.
If I wanted to speculate, I would guess that it is because the world forces people to be awake at an hour they don't want to be awake at and it messes with their biology.
But I am not a scientist.
All this means that I need to pay attention to my men's sleep and health and continue to be gentle with them in the morning.
Do you like being a lark or a night owl? Tell me about it in the comments.
I do my best to get a good night's sleep every night. I am generally aware of how many hours I need to be a happy bee in the morning and throughout the majority of the day. I've also long been aware of how much sleep my son needs to be at his best, and try to ensure he is getting the right amount.
I know that his sleep needs will change as he gets older - both when he reaches middle school and again when he is a teenager. What I didn't realize is that my sleep needs will need to be reassessed when he is a teen.
That's right: Parents of teenagers probably need more sleep. I say "probably" because there are two factors to consider here:
- Either parents know how much sleep they need and they are short changing themselves in some way.
- Or parents have never been getting enough sleep and definitely need more overall.
The study is not advising that a parent's sleep needs have magically changed the moment their child reaches puberty. Rather, the study is saying that parents get irritable and irrational when they don't get enough sleep and that is not a good state of being when dealing with a teenager (who may also be irritable and irrational).
Easier said than done, of course (like most parenting advice). I think back to how my Mom worked long hours at her job when I was a teenager. I know she never got enough sleep at night; and she still had to deal with my mood swings.
Sorry, Mom!
What is your ideal number of sleep hours? Share in the comments.
It is 10 pm.
Since that is my bedtime, I am about to leave my office for bed, when my son's door opens. He groggily walks from his room to get a drink of water from the bathroom. He sees me in my office and stumbles in to give me a kiss on the cheek and returns to his room. Hopefully he goes right back to sleep.
The next morning when I wake him for school he doesn't really remember doing that, but he is yawning in a way that tells me his body does remember the interruption. He is tired. And, while I am not sure of what prompted him to wake and leave his room, I remind myself that I am lucky to have such a good sleeper overall.
Sleep is important. Like, crazy important. Adults tend to know this, but we struggle with the right way to convey that importance to our children. I know many toddler bedtime disaster stories from many parents, and they all have the same theme: Toddlers hate bedtime.
While all parents know that the goal is to build bedtime routines early (and often) it is so much easier said than done. Toddler are notoriously smart: Why should they go to bed when there is still fun to be had?
All I can do is offer parents some encouragement: Stick with the bedtime routine as much as you can. I know you think it is not working, but you are doing a great job. While we may think that the goal is to just build a habit, we forget that the subgoal is to have children learn their own sleepiness cues. This way they will not become those adults who stay up all night because they aren't aware that they are truly tired.
How is your child's bedtime routine going? Tell me in the comments.
Saturdays are hopping at our house.
We do chores and upgrades to the house, we prep for the week ahead, and we try have fun together along the way. My son is usually very understanding about Saturdays and most weekends he is a great helper. I try to be mindful about the amount of chores I drag him to on Saturday, because I want him to have downtime.
But he does help me with chores. And then we play. And then he tromps through the woods. And then he goes to swim class. I love watching my son swim: front crawl, back crawl, breast stroke, butterfly (butterfly!) up and down the length of the pool for a half hour.
And then swim class ends. And he is not tired. How is he not tired? I am tired just watching him.
I know that my son has a much better metabolism than I do. And I know that it takes a lot to wear him out. And yes...I am jealous. Because I am tired. At the end of our weekends, I am really, really tired and I want to sleep.
My son? He wants to stay up and delay bedtime and still has energy to burn. And it is those exact qualities that cause parental tiredness. He wears me out. (By the way...science proved that this is true...so, no, it isn't just your imagination.)
I am OK with my son wearing me out. It's a good kind of tired, and I rely on him to keep me on my toes. And because of him, I sleep like a rock afterward. And all parents love their sleep.
What activities do you do with your child that wear you out? Tell me in the comments.
I am not a very good singer.
I am the person who tells others that my gift to them is not singing happy birthday to them. I don't participate in karaoke and I will pretend not to know the words to songs to not join in a public sing along.
I will, however, sing to when I am listening to music alone. Or to my family members on occasion - like when my son was little, or something funny to my wonderful husband or even with my Mom. Those people are family. They are safe. And, of course, whenever I am alone in the car I am going to belt out my favorite songs that come on the radio because the windows are up and you can't hear me. (Also: You are welcome.)
Do I feel good when I sing? Maybe. I never really thought about it, but I know many people who truly enjoy it. And, interestingly, a small study has found that singing may help women who are suffering from postpartum depression. It's unclear from the study if it was the community support that the women received to encourage them to learn new lullabies or if it was the act of singing to their child that helped, but I think the results are amazing. Since postpartum depression affects so many women, it is beneficial to try a number of methods to help them through it.
And, for women like me who don't sing very well, it is important to keep in mind that all babies love their Mommy's voice. Even when that voice can't carry a tune.
Did you enjoy singing to your baby when they were little? Do you still sing with them now that they are older? Tell me in the comments.
My husband and I both take showers in the morning. When we first lived together, we figured out how our morning schedules would work and then tweaked them as necessary through job changes throughout the years.
Then, I never thought about that again.
When we had our son, we gave him baths at night. Soothing, relaxing baths for our sweet little boy so he would sleep well. He still takes his shower at night, and I never thought about when he would make the change to a morning shower.
And then I read this article around the morning versus night shower controversy.
I didn't know this was a thing.
Night shower proponents point out that you need to cleanse the dirt of the day off your body before bedtime. Day shower proponents say that we sweat at night and the morning shower helps wake them up.
My son definitely needs to be cleaned off before bedtime. After a day of playing outside, he harbors mud spots pretty much everywhere skin is exposed. (He is lucky I don't just hose him off in the backyard.) I know there will come a day when he will need to wash in the morning, but I am pretty sure he will not be up for two showers.
So...here's my question. What age did you switch your child from a night bath routine to a day bath routine? And if you made the switch, how did you ensure everyone had enough hot water?
Please share your tricks and tips in the comments.
I am an adult, and I still get nightmares.
I'm not sure why my brain decides to chase me around at night with things that are trying to catch me and kill me, or drop me down elevator shafts or see what my last thoughts are when falling out of a flying train...I really wish it would just let me rest, organize the information that I learned during the day and do whatever else it is that scientists think our brains are doing while we sleep.
Granted, they are not often, but there are still some nights when I wake up wondering why my brain is out to get me.
My son, thankfully, doesn't have many bad dreams. At least, he doesn't have the type of bad dreams that require parental intervention. I can recall vividly the number of times when I have woken up to his gentle touch on my arm, telling me that he had a bad dream. We go back to his room, snuggle for a bit and he never wants to talk about them. Not ever.
I'm OK not pushing him to talk about them, as long as he realizes that everyone has bad dreams sometimes. I think the problem is when they become more frequent and we have to sit down and re-evaluate some things. For example, since we are reading the third Harry Potter book together at bedtime right now, I am on high alert for anything that shows me he isn't ready to continue the story (whether he is conscious about it or not). So far, so good.
Nightmares are hard to explain to children. In fairness, they are hard to explain to adults. I am just thankful that my son is easy to convince to go back to sleep so we can all face a happier day in the morning.
How do you help your child after they have a bad nightmare? Tell me in the comments.
My son's alarm goes off at 7:35. I can hear him get up, turn the alarm off and then...silence. I know he has gone back to bed. At 8 am, I tentatively go into his room and gently wake him up. He is cranky and angry and tells me that he feels like he didn't sleep at all. I do my best to be gentle with him and coax him into the day, even though I desperately wish I could send him back to bed for a few more hours.
Even though he went to bed on time the night before, he experienced what we all do sometimes: A bad night's sleep.
I am traditionally considered to be a good sleeper. My darling husband has often marveled at how quickly I am able to fall asleep. And while I no longer maintain fitbit data on myself to prove it, I generally fall asleep fast and sleep fairly well, so that when my alarm goes off I feel relatively ready for the day.
On my bad sleep days, I can generally pinpoint the root cause to bad behavior the night before - staying up too late, or having caffeine later in the day than I should have or too many thoughts in my brain as I got ready for bed. Whatever the reason - I didn't get enough sleep.
I know a lot of people who like to talk about their sleep (it's the number one topic of conversation in my office in the morning). But what I am surprised at is that people seem to truly believe that they are getting enough sleep if they get at least 6 hours. Please believe me - and all the sleep scientists - when I write this: You are sleep deprived.
And if you want to know why that is a bad thing, here is a scary but very compelling article explaining what sleep deprivation does to our bodies.
So, what if we all just tried to get more sleep for a week and see if we could measure the benefits in our own lives? What if you woke up each morning in a better mood, feel more productive and less stressed out? Of course, it is easy to say, but harder to integrate. Some people have different circadian rhythms and feel more comfortable waking up late. Other people have tighter schedules in the morning to get to work/school on time and need to wake up early.
But, if you had the power to tweak your schedule in favor of more sleep...would you really do it?
How many hours of sleep do you get at night? Leave your magic number in the comments.
We are still in the throws of back to school time here. As my son gets used to his new routine and slowly starts to face the return of his biggest fear (homework), I am starting to switch into my new routines as well: I can finally let go of my summertime fears that he will be bit by a snake or slip while running around the pool and replace them with the fears that he will get picked on at school or injure himself on the playground equipment.
Yes, I know that my fears are mostly unfounded, but I do find myself thinking of these things, especially at night. It turns out, I am not alone: Many parents harbor back-to-school fears, and bullying is at the top of that list.
I was trying to think back to what my back-to-school fears were when I was little, but I am not sure they are applicable to my son today: I was scared of the nuns. And getting bad grades. (But mostly the nuns.)
I think that as long as I am a parent, there will always be some sort of fear that I have for my son. It is important, however, that I not pass those fears onto him. There is no reason why he should be up at night thinking of mean nuns wielding snakes chasing him around unsafe playground equipment. Or...whatever.
But this is a good reminder for me to have a talk with my son to determine what is on his mind now that the school year has started. Who knows - he may have his own fears for me to discuss with him or he may not have any worries at all.
What is the biggest back-to-school fear your family is tackling? Share it in the comments.
It was 2:33 am.
I know the time, because I bothered to look as I made my way into my son's room to nurse him. I was a different kind of tired that I had never felt before - mommy exhausted. But when I changed my son and started feeding him, and we were cuddled up on our special rocking chair, I was deliriously happy. Or maybe that was another side effect from being tired.
I loved the night feedings with my son, but when it was time to ween our little guy off his nighttime snack, my Mother gave me some great advice: Send in my husband.
I talked it over with hubby and our son got the message pretty quickly: Dad will change me if I need it, but he isn't bringing me any milk; guess I'll just go back to sleep and wait until breakfast. There were a few nights of tears (his and mine) but we stuck to our guns and my son was still happy and health. My mommy exhaustion even got better with more rest.
I know what worked for me, won't work for every family. That isn't really the point of the story. The point is where my husband and I talked it over. Penn State's recent study found that different opinions on night wakings can have a profound impact on co-parenting. Yes, that might seem obvious, but since most of your earliest months of parenting is done in a sleep-deprived fog, you may not remember that you should chat about things with your partner and be on the same page. This way baby gets a clear message from both parents.
Now that my son is a little older, we only have to get up for the occasional nightmare. And although I don't wish any bad dreams for my son, a small part of me enjoys the chance to cuddle him again until he feels better enough to go back to sleep.
Which parent in your household generally has the night shift for your child? Share with me in the comments.
I am tired. No, I'm not even going to try out that trick in which I tell myself that I am not tired and convince myself through the power of positive thinking.
This is why I am tired:
We have been re-landscaping our front lawn (in the summer!) and although it looks fabulous, the sun has zapped my body of all energy (and liquids), my back and arms hurt from bending over and planting things and if I crawled into bed, I would immediately nap.
Or
Maybe it is because I've been at my desk at the computer all day at work and have only left it for bathroom breaks.
Weirdly, either scenario is plausible. Because our brains react to stress whether it is real (as in manual labor) or perceived (as in a high-pressure project). And the result is the same: We are tired.
There is all sorts of science to back it up, but here's the reality: I can't bring myself to tell other people that I am tired when I've been sitting all day. I just...I just don't have that level of insanity in me. Even if there is science on my side. It's embarrassing.
I am sure there are solutions to this, and I am sure they all involve me walking away from my desk for a few minutes of actual physical activity. Then, at least, I would feel slightly more justified in my tiredness.
What's making you so tired these days? Tell me in the comments.
