Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Nickle and diming the kids

My son is a picky dresser.

I've not been allowed to pick out his clothing for at least two years. Yes, I supply him with enough neutral pants/shorts so he generally matches, but it is quite clear that I am not allowed to pick out his shirts. If he needs new clothes, then he is picking them out.
I'm not really all that fashionable to start with, and my only concern is that his clothes fit him well. To me, clothing choice is not a fight worth having. Sure, we are currently going through a Batman phase, where he owns a preposterous number of Batman-themed shirts, but overall, his clothes are inexpensive. (And it's cute when he tells me, "Mommy, I'm Batman!")

As he grows older, his choices may provoke an argument from me both over style and price tag. But, my friends tell me, his clothes will never be as expensive as girl's clothes.

All parents (and hopefully soon-to-be parents) know that children are expensive. But I've never considered which gender is more expensive. It turns out the answer depends on who you ask. Recent studies reveal conflicting information. Some claim that girls cost more because of their fashion needs (including clothes, shoes and makeup) and activities (like dance). Others claim that boys have higher bills because they tend to need replacement items (from wear and tear) and participate in more sports activities. Then you mix in things like food (which boys tend to consume more of during puberty) or college fees (more girls than boys currently aspire to college) and you can see how the bills grow as children get older.

Clearly, it depends on the family and the child. For me, I try not to worry about the bills but the bigger picture. I want to teach my son about the importance of money, but not to make him hyper-aware of it.

As always, it's that ever-elusive search for balance.

What about your family? Which of your children is more costly?

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The inherent stress of vacations

Most of us know that we need to take a vacation from work. Vacations are important to our health and well-being. But they are also stressful, especially for parents. There's the planning, the activities, the worry about the fun that you will or will not have, and the exhaustion from traveling.

This past summer I've been thinking about the vacations we went on when I was little. I have no idea how my Mom went about planning them. I know that she didn't use a travel agent, so I just imagine her spending lots of time looking through magazines for ideas and then making lots of phone calls. (Thanks, Mom!)

With technology, it is a lot easier to plan a vacation these days, but we have another problem when it comes to taking time off. A recent study which took a look at parenting advice doled out over the last 28 years show an increasing amount of fears that parents are trying to address when planning vacations - everything from their children slipping academically to everyone having a good time. So now we have the problem that parents need vacations from their vacations.

I want to return from our family vacations well-rested and happy. So, here's how we are approaching vacations as a family:
  • Keep it a surprise. I learned this from a coworker. She never tells her children when or where they are going on vacation - that way it feels like more of an adventure for them and it negates the pre-trip anticipation, so they can stay focused on school and other activities.
  • All inclusive resorts are wonderful. At first this seemed a little lazy to me, but honestly, the worry-free aspect to it is great for parents. You can always use the inclusive as your starting point and then add activities from there.
  • Be flexible. Don't schedule every moment of your day. That is the easiest way to make your vacation feel like work. A little downtime is a good thing.
  • You don't need to be together all the time. Do you normally spend 24/7 with your family? Probably not. It's fine to spend some time alone.
  • Take a vacation from your vacation. Are you one of those families that does the same thing every year? Mix it up a bit and see how that turns out. Or, if Mom normally does the planning, let Dad plan it. See what happens.
Are you taking a vacation this year? If so, where are you going?

Monday, July 28, 2014

Reading books - the paper kind - every day

Like lots of families, we are purging the massive amount of toys from our household this summer. (Seriously...why does my son have so many cars?) We go through his bins, his closet and his toy trunk, and he identifies the items that he no longer wants to play with so they can go "to other children that would probably like them."

But the one area of the house that has escaped our purge is his bookshelf. My son is on the verge of reading by himself, so I want to wait until he is able to read through his books on his own before we get rid of any of them.


My husband and I own a lot of books. So it makes sense that my son does, too. We make a point of reading with him every day - and this is something that we've done since he was a baby. (Even when he couldn't understand what we were saying.) We didn't do this because we thought he would be able to read as a baby, we read to him because it seemed like a wonderful way to interact with him.


Turns out, we were on the right path. The American Academy of Pediatrics has recently released a study indicating that in addition to stimulating brain activity and helping children develop their language skills, one-on-one reading strengthens the bond between parents and children. The study also points out that reading should start when children are infants.

I'm not surprised by those results. After so many years of reading with my son, it has become a special bonding time for us. Here's how you can help strengthen your bond with your child over books:
  • Hit up your local library. Our shelves at home can't hold any more books. But at the library, he can pick out his own books.
  • Snuggle up. I almost always read to him while he is sitting on my lap. He turns the pages and we sound out words together. It's a two-person process.
  • Do the voices and make it fun for everyone. If you are stuck reading the same books over and over again, it'll make you crazy. Encourage your child to pick different books every time you read.
  • Branch out. Boys don't have to read "boy books" and girls don't have to read "girl books." Switch it up.
  • Use real books. Yes, he can read books through some apps on our devices, but there is still something wonderful to me about having him feel the pages and to know when to turn them.
What do you do to make reading special with your child? Tell me in the comments.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Mommy on her own

As Mommies, we have very little time to ourselves. I know there are lots of days where my little guy follows me around the house because he "wants to be in the same room as me." That is sweet, but I don't appreciate it when that following me around includes the bathroom.

But you get used to it. (I'm not saying that is right, but you get used to it anyway.) So, any time you get to spend by yourself becomes precious - whether that is being stuck in traffic or waiting at the doctor's office. There is a certain enjoyment that comes from being alone.

For my birthday, my husband gave me one of my favorite gifts: A weekend in a hotel room by myself. When I say that to people, it sounds odd (and more than a little anti-social). But it is a truly wonderful thing. I take all my scrapping stuff and other projects I'm working on and have an interruption-free weekend. I wear comfy clothes and keep a continuous loop of movies on in the background for company. I stay up late and wake up late. It's lovely.

When I return to my family after check-out on Sunday, I feel like a better wife and a better mommy. (Thanks, Honey!) I highly recommend it - take a mini vacation just for yourself and see how much better you feel.

How would you spend a mini-vacation on your own? Tell me in the comments. 

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Keeping up with Mrs. Jones

I know lots of moms. Some are crafty, some are incredibly active and others are unbelievably excellent cooks. Then there are the ones who make the whole work/life thing look ridiculously easy. It's that last set of moms that get to us. The ones who seem to have the perfect children, house, marriage - the ones that make us question how we are lacking in our own lives.

And all those thoughts are causing problems.

Researchers have found that moms feel that they are under pressure to keep up with other mothers, and oftentimes this leads to depression.

This is going to have to stop.

We've talked before about changing your inner mommy-logue and altering your negative thoughts, but we moms have to work on not comparing ourselves to other moms. Instead, we have to work together. We need to leverage our collective mommyness.

Once upon a time, I issued a grandparents challenge to teach my son the skills I don't have. Now I'm issuing a similar challenge to myself. I need to figure out the areas I normally shy away from (Sports. It'll be sports.) and see if there is a way to introduce them to my son. This might be through organized activities or something we learn together, or even with some help from another mom. 

I'm not doing this so that he can be better than another child, but to broaden his interests in life. No one should be stuck with the legacy of their parents' hobbies/sports teams/university because they were never given the opportunity to develop their own tastes.

What can't you do that you wish you could? Play piano? Speak another language? How will you give that opportunity to your child to see if he or she is interested in it? Tell me in the comments.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Falling in love 101

When my son sees two people kissing, he often says, "Those two people are kissing and then they will go and get married." Evidently my sex talks with him have paid off. (Just kidding.) When I ask him about the leap from kissing to married, he shows me the various wedding pictures of my husband and I kissing right before we tied the knot.

I told him that Mommy and Daddy spent a long time together before we actually got married and there were lots of steps in between the first kiss and our wedding day. He then told me that he would get married one day, but he wasn't sure who the person was going to be yet. (I've assured him he has plenty of time and not to feel rushed.)

As it turns out, people aren't making time for love anymore. And we are now at the point where the subject of falling in love and long-term dating have become topics of study in college.

Several universities are offering classes in building long-term relationships. Evidently, students are so academically minded or focused on their resumes, or they are unsure of how to interact in person (without technology) that they need some additional help. Although some of these classes don't offer credits (so no one could really major in love), it's still time out of a student's busy schedule to learn about what they've missed along the way.

From time-to-time, I have thought up various classes that I think should be taught in college, but one on dating has never crossed my mind.

But maybe it is a good idea - even at my son's school level, they are not allowed to hug inside the classrooms. (It's really cute that they've found the loophole and walk outside the classroom together to hug each other hello or good-bye.)

Is dating a lost art or is this a bad idea? Tell me what you think in the comments.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Another reason to reduce screen time

On Fridays I let my son take his LeapPad to school with him so that he can play it in the afternoons. This is the compromise I've come up with as the school shows movies on Friday afternoons. I normally would not have a problem with movie time, except that the school often shows movies that are PG and not appropriate for my son to watch.

Since the school doesn't seem to have a set schedule of what movie they will show when (or any plans on changing their movie policy for only G-rated movies), I've opted him out of this activity. My son is quite happy with this exchange as he found the movies "upsetting" and enjoys his quiet time with his LeapPad.

Of course, I know that I am simply replacing one type of screen time for another. But at least this way, he won't be in tears upon pickup because he saw something in a movie that was scary.

As if I needed another reason to limit his screen time, a recent study in Scientific American has been published about the benefits of parents limiting both amount of time and content. This study, by Dr. Gentile and his research team, was particularly interesting because it started as a survey around parents' interactions with their children's media use. Seven months later, the researchers uncovered some surprising results, finding that the parents who were more involved in screen time limitations had children with less sleep deprivation, less risk of obesity and were getting better grades overall in school.

The causality is not that hard to explain: Every hour a child spends on a screen is an hour less spent on homework/sleep/exploring the world around them. But it is interesting to see the results of those hours accumulated over such a short (only seven months!) span of time. 

This information is not likely to make me change my stance on Fridays. After all, I know the content on my son's LeapPad, so he can still enjoy his media time.

What's the last thing you let your child watch? Tell me in the comments.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Let's go bowling

I suck at bowling. (Actual bowling - I rock at Wii bowling.) I lob the ball a bit too far down the lane, I don't take the time to line myself up and I often get gutter balls. But every time I've gone bowling with my son, I've had a blast.

And I am not sure why that is. Admittedly, my son is very good at bowling - he has even gotten a strike and beaten me several times. (In my defense, the stoppers over the gutters help.) So, maybe my enthusiasm for bowling comes from watching him truly enjoy playing the game.

So, I was a little sad to see that there are fewer bowling alleys than there used to be. You can blame the decline on people not having the time to join leagues or the rise of entertainment centers taking over traditional alleys, but for our family, we rarely go bowling because I never think of it as a weekend activity.

To change that, I am making a list (no surprise there). This particular list will be all the stuff we really enjoy doing together as a family, but rarely do. I hope to have lots of uses for this list:
  • As an answer to those weekends when we don't have any scheduled plans. I am fine with everyone having our own downtime, but it's good to get out as a family.
  • As a reward for my son when he accomplishes something big - he gets to pick the weekend plans.
  • Rainy day fun.
  • When we have family/friends visiting and need to figure out a group activity.
I'll start my list with bowling, and add in the arcade (for as bad as I am at bowling, I am surprisingly good at skee ball).

What would be on your family activity list? Tell me in the comments.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Mommy stress is different than other kinds of stress

I've spent most of my Mommyhood as a working Mom. I know the pain of leaving your baby with virtual strangers at a daycare, the difficulties in working from home with a sick child and letting go of your work self to transform back into Super Mom. But I've also enjoyed the benefits of a job I love and am good at, and the social niceties of life with my work family.

At various times, I've also been between jobs and been a stay at home Mom. I've felt the angst of hearing too many children's songs and not enough adult conversation and the boredom/guilt cycle that happens when you want more from your life than Candy Land. But I've also enjoyed special activities with my son and watching him grow and learn new skills on a daily basis.

Both of these states of being are stressful in their own way. And it turns out that this parent/work/life balance stress affects women more than it does men. The Holland and Barrett Good Life study found that women experienced two stressful days per week while men only experienced one. (I wonder which days of the week were the ones women felt the most amount of stress. Tuesdays? Fridays?)

Both men and women in the study claimed that money issues, work and health were a stress trigger, but women who were surveyed were more likely to also list stresses related to the home and family life, too.

So, that is kind of a bummer. 

Let's look for some good news: Evidently, as we age ordinary activities make us happy. When I type "ordinary activities" I don't mean things like taking out the garbage or driving to the grocery store. It turns out that things like having meaningful conversations with our friends or having a water gun fight with your family (thanks, Mom!) can all have the potential to become long-term happy memories.

Let's focus on that: What made you happy today? Share with me in the comments.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

The influence of siblings on your weight

My son is relatively fit. He gets plenty of fresh air and exercise (way more than I do), and he likes to show me his "big muscles." As parents, we are trying to reinforce the idea of staying healthy. We are slowly winning him over - not to the point of eating vegetables - but our son definitely requests that we run around outside, go swimming, ride bikes and do other activities that are really active.

If he had a younger sibling, that child would probably be just as fit as he is. This report by the Harvard Gazette indicates that there are possible links between siblings and obesity. Evidently, if the eldest child is obese, than the younger siblings are more likely to be obese as well.

The study reports that in families with a single child, an obese parent doubled the risk of the child's obesity. In families with two children, having an obese sibling was associated with a risk of more than five times greater than if the siblings were a healthy weight.

It gets more interesting when you add gender. If the siblings were the same gender, the older sibling's obesity had an even stronger association.

What the report isn't able to answer is why. Is it because of a genetic factor that siblings share? Or is it because younger siblings tend to look up to their older brothers and sisters and spend more time with them than with their parents?

More research is needed and it is fascinating to read, but in the meantime, we all need to go outside and play more.

What's your favorite summer activity for staying healthy?

Monday, July 14, 2014

I need more screens to focus

At home, I work on this blog and my podcast on my laptop. One screen. That's it. I have days where I am really productive, and days when I feel like I could do better.

At work, I have a two-monitor set up. I have always thought that the second screen makes me more productive because I don't have to flip back and forth between programs to complete my projects: If I can see more, than I can do more.

Turns out there are some people who take this concept further: One function per screen/device. So, there are people out there who work on their computers, but only answer emails on their tablets and only pay attention to their social media on their phones. It sounds rather split up at first, until you consider it further. How many times have you been working on something only to be distracted by a message popping up on your screen?

Instead, you can finish up what you are doing, then switch devices for a while to work on something else.

I am trying to picture this for myself. To focus on anything will there simply be a pile of screens on our desks awaiting our attention? I'm not big on screen time, but maybe multiple devices with a single functionality will make it easier on our kids and help them complete tasks without distractions.

How do you stay focused on one project at a time? Tell me your tips in the comments.

Friday, July 11, 2014

The case for Saturday morning cartoons

I was always an early riser - even when I was little. I would get up early on Saturdays, creep downstairs with a blanket and watch Saturday morning cartoons until Soul Train came on and ended all my fun. At some point, my brother would come downstairs, too. We would spend several hours watching classics like Thundercats, Looney Toons and Spartakus and the Sun Beneath the Sea.

As far as I can tell, Saturday mornings are not really a magical time for cartoons anymore. With the 24-hour cartoon networks, and video on demand, you can watch cartoons whenever you want to, so the ritual of zoning out on mindless fun for a few hours to start your weekend might not be as special as it used to be.

But we are taking back Saturday cartoons in our household. My very wise husband made the case for Saturday morning cartoons to my anti-television stance. He said, "Every child should know the joy of watching a few cartoons on Saturday morning." And he's right.

So, now my son is allowed to watch some cartoons on Saturday morning. But not live ones. We show him classics, like DangerMouse or we'll let him watch Fraggle Rock (the real show with the muppets, not the cartoon that came later). As I type this, I realize this is probably a little odd, since his friends will never be able to discuss either of those shows with him. Hmmm....maybe we should switch things up to Jake and the Neverland Pirates.

There are rules of course. In our household, you have to be dressed with your teeth brushed before watching television. We tried letting our son lounge in his pajamas, but found the argument to get his teeth brushed and real clothes on once the shows were over was too stressful, so now it is a prerequisite for watching. Turns out, nothing gets my son to get dressed and brushed faster than the promise of cartoons afterward.

Are Saturday morning cartoons a thing that has preserved in your household? What are your children watching?

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

People forget: We're supposed to be nice

I've been part of an interviewing panel at my company. We've searched through a score of resumes and talked to a lot of people. My favorite part of the interviews come when the candidates ask us about our team and we can talk about how we are like a family. (It gives me the warm fuzzies every time.) At some point, the candidates will usually mention how nice we all seem.

And that is always a bit odd to me, because people are supposed to be nice.

Don't get me wrong - I've worked for and with a lot of not nice people, and I always pity them a bit. I mean, what kind of an existence is it to wake up every day in a bad mood or to only be able to experience joy through other people's misery?

One of the things I try to reinforce to my son is that he doesn't have to like everybody, but he does have to be nice and respectful to everyone. It's one of those lessons that I believe if you learn it early on in life, it will be a lot easier as you grow up.

Naturally, I was a little concerned when I read the kindness study by Harvard Graduate School of Education. The researchers asked children to rate what their parents valued most: Being a happy person, achieving at a high level or caring for others.

Caring for others didn't even come close to the top. 

Which makes me wonder what messages I'm passing along to my son: Yes, achievements are important, but so is being a kind person. Am I praising him for the moments he shows kindness to others? Am I being a good example for him?

For a moment after reading the study, I worried about the type of children that my son will be growing up with, but maybe it will all even out with age. As science tells us, people tend to get a nicer as they age. Psychologists call this the Maturity Principle - the idea that from the ages of 20 to 65, we usually become more agreeable, more responsible and more emotionally stable and we decrease our negative traits.

(That kind of makes me wonder what happens to people after the age of 65, but maybe that is some research for another day.)

So, to all the mean people out there: Stop it. Nicer is just easier.

Do you praise your child for being nice? Tell me in the comments.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

My state gets a D; what about yours?

I work for a really great company. As mentioned before, I really love my coworkers, my work keeps me busy and I really appreciate the level of support and understanding that I receive on my team. We are able to work from home if we have a sick child or adjust schedules for our children as needed (it probably helps that I work with a lot of mothers.)

But I know that this is not a reality for everyone. In the past, I've worked for lots of companies that do not have a "family first" policy. Although the U.S. has made some strides toward helping families overall, it turns out that my state could be doing a lot better.

The annual Expecting Better report came out in June with a state-by-state breakdown of the laws that affect families for better or worse. In addition to talking about the important federal issues - like the U.S. doesn't offer paid leave for families (although New Jersey and California both do, providing a working model for that program's success) - the report provides a breakdown as to where your state falls in providing laws that strengthen family bonds. The report takes a look at how pregnancies are accommodated in the workplace, flexible use of sick time, nursing mother's rights and the availability of family leave.

The stark reality is that more and more families are structured with two breadwinners. And both those jobs need to be protected. A mother shouldn't be penalized for becoming pregnant; couples should have time to bond with their children - whether through a natural birth or adoption.

The report itself even comments that Eighty-six percent of voters say it is important to them that the president and Congress consider new laws to help keep working families economically secure.

But clearly there is work to be done across every state. To find out where your state falls (California is the highest scored state with an A- and a sad 17 states received an F), check out page 26 of the report.

So now I want to hear from you. I wonder if my situation is because the company I work for is just exception or if it is based out of California. What have your struggles been between work and family and fitting it all in?

Monday, July 7, 2014

Butterflies in the sky? No, they are on my phone

As a parent, I admit to having a certain amount of nostalgia for my childhood. I would like to think this is because I had a wonderful childhood (thanks, Mom!), but I also know that it is because familiarity breeds comfort.

Of course, my husband and I are selective about what we pass down to our son: Fraggles and Legos are a definite share; overly sugared cereals and Voltron are a pass. Then there are the gray areas - the things that we enjoyed reborn into something new: Like Reading Rainbow.

If you watched Reading Rainbow as a child, then you probably have very fond memories of the books that were reviewed by other children, the field trips LeVar Burton took and of course, the catchy theme song. (I am singing it right now...you should be happy there is no audio to this post).

Naturally, I was interested to read this piece about Reading Rainbow's successful Kickstarter campaign to develop a more robust reading app. Many parents already have the existing RR app, but the one in the works now is supposed to have more books built into it.

I am all for reading - the more the better. If this app gets more children interested in literacy, then I am all for it. But the article linked above brings up a really good point: Although reading apps can get children interested in reading and help them with their skills, the one area of literacy that is extremely hard to measure is comprehension.

So that is where parents need to intervene and pick up where reading apps leave off. Helping children with comprehension is key: You may naturally do this with your child when you read stories - it's the parts where you pause the story to ask your child questions (Why did that little boy go down the tunnel? or What do you think will happen to the friends if they don't get home in time for dinner?) Those questions help children learn how to dissect a story and figure out what is going on. 

Apps haven't figured out how to do that yet, so it is still up to us.

Do you let your child use any reading apps? If so, which is your favorite? Share in the comments.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

I don't really do normal, and that's OK

Last week, one of my coworkers asked me what our plans were for the Fourth of July weekend. And it threw me a bit off guard. You see, I have ways to celebrate Christmas Eve and birthdays and other holidays, but we don't really have a family tradition for the Fourth of July.

Clearly, that has to change.

But, it can't be normal, because I don't want to do normal. Normalcy is not really the way to build memories that you hold onto throughout your life. So, here's what I've come up with:
  • We're going to have a picnic lunch. Sure, this seems normal enough, but not really for my family. We just don't do picnics. But we are for this holiday. Then,
  • We're going to have a water fight. This is something that I've often told my husband I want to do. One day my son will come home from school to a bucket filled with water balloons and a directive to come and find Mommy who has a water gun...but let's start off light. It'll probably be hot, so this will be super fun.
  • Let's have a cookout, but let our son pick the food. Kind of a spin off on our Wednesday family night dinners. I want to cookout, but he can pick the menu.
  • Covering ourselves in glow sticks to watch the fireworks. Because they are glow sticks and fun, and why not?
Hopefully, my husband is up for all of this. (He's a good sport.)

For my U.S. friends, have a happy, wonderful holiday - no matter how you choose to enjoy it. (How did you choose to enjoy it? Tell me in the comments so I can borrow ideas and continue to evolve our family traditions for next year.)

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Fertility and death and stuff

When I was 24 years old, I was sharing an elevator ride with a woman in her 40s. I had just met her about five minutes ago at a crafting event. She had been talking to her friends about getting pregnant. As soon as the elevator doors closed, she turned to me and asked, "You're in your twenties, right?" I said yes. "You should go ahead and freeze your eggs now, that way they will be good when you hit 40 and decide you are ready to have a child. It took my old eggs a long time to take."

I didn't know how to answer that and the silence in the elevator was deafening. (Actually, more than a decade later, I am still not sure how to answer that declaration.)

I have girlfriends who had children in the 20s and those that had children in their 30s, and they all seem happy with their lives. I don't really know any women who decided to have their first child in their 40s, but that has to be a hard decision to make - knowing that you will be 60 when your child graduates high school.

It turns out that the numbers of women who are becoming mothers after 40 are increasing, and in some cases, it is to their benefit.

Data from the Long Life Family Study indicates that women who have their last child after the age of 33, were twice as likely to celebrate their 95th birthday. Granted, correlation does not equal causation, and more research is needed, but that is a fascinating finding.

It's almost as fascinating as the latest numbers examined in the Netmums Getting Pregnant Report on the number of women becoming mothers after the age of 40. Women involved in the study indicated that they delayed their life plans by at least five years because of money concerns, careers and trying to buy a house - things that may take a bit longer than they used to because of more working opportunities or the bad economy.

Of course, the decision of if/when to have children is a deeply personal one. I, for one, am happy with the choices that I made that lead me to this point of my life now. 

But what about you? Do you wish you had had children earlier or later in life? Tell me in the comments.